Pauline Hanson walked into a bar
The Bartender said “We don’t serve people with giant haemorrhoids around here”
Pauline asked “What do you mean, I don’t have haemorrhoids”
The Bartender replied, “Well, what is that giant mess hanging out your arse”
Astonished, Pauline said, “Have some respect sir, How dare you call Prime Minister Turnbull a giant mess”
Australia has been fascinated by the antics of an octopus which has been keeping a New Zealand Aquarium on its toes.
Sid the Octopus managed to escape from its tank and go on the run for five days.
Next those vindictive aquarium keepers have decided to sentence Sid to death.
I am unsure if Pepsi signed Sid up for this TV commercial or if they took the easy route and used an untamed Cascadian Tree Octopi as the star.
Series three of Sunday Morning Live ended last week.
To fill the gap before Series Four begins next week, here is a special performance of the incredible Umbilical Brothers.
What with Elections and Inaugurations and Terrible Puns the archive has been a little serious lately.
Time for a bit of fun.
A bit of obscene fun.
Find the Nude Dude at the beach.
Burgled from Phil
The whole PC movement is way out of control.
Merely laughing at something is going to offend someone, somewhere, somehow.
So we are no longer allowed to laugh at others or their habits. We are not allowed to “typecast” persons or people or nations.
The downside is that no one is allowed to laugh at us. Or to “typecast” us or our habits or our nation.
No matter how seriously we take our foolish selves.
Somewhere today I will find a Polish/Irish/English/Scottish/American/Australian/NewZealand/blonde/redhead/man/woman/tall/short/hairy/bald/Baptist/Catholic/Atheist joke. And I will laugh at it. At the same time, someone will laugh at a joke about me and my habits.
Until then, try to laugh at this and offend no one.
Last night, un-noticed by most Australians, the continent was severely shaken by a massive upheaval as just over a million inhabitants of the sleepy City of the Churches finally realised there was more to life than freezing in the winter, losing AFL matches and drinking the worlds worst beer!
So, in the first concerted effort the Crow-eaters have ever successfully performed, they upped and moved Adelaide to the North Coast.
There is no news at this stage as to the fate of Darwin.
The BBC, as always, was first with the most accurate news of the event.
In breaking news, former Administrator of the Northern Territory, Ted Egan, has reportedly commented on the situation and, after removing the expletives, he said, ” !”
Current Administrator Tom Pauling was unavailable for comment although Bluey, from the Darwin City Council Parks and Gardens Department, was adamant that Adelaide was not going to take Darwin’s place as the capital City of the Territory.
He said, “If those bloody wankers from down south reckon they can move up here with their bloody failing footy teams and their bloody Southwark Cat’s Piss and just bloody take over, they have another bloody think coming!”
Bert, from the Darwin Dunnyman Brigade, threatened violence unless Bluey withdrew the “W” word. He said, “My bloody brother Mick and my bloody sister Sheila went to bloody Adelaide after bloody Cyclone Tracy back in 1974. They are not bloody wankers and if you call them that again I’ll bloody punch your lights out!”
The apprentice tree lopper, Sandy, pointed out that there are no wankers in Adelaide. She said,”It is a bloody posh place which is the home of the bloody previous Foreign Minister of Australia, bloody Shirley Downer, and they are not bloody wankers, they are all bloody masturbaters!”. As Sandy started her chainsaw, Bluey and Bert moved away.
[just what were the expletives deleted from Ted Egan’s comment? Sub-Ed]
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is having a report on the night’s events prepared while opposition spokesman on city relocations, Tony Abbott, blasted the Government for condoning this pre-emptive city move. Opposition Leader, Brendan Nelson blasted Kevin Rudd for not having known about the proposed move and being out of touch with the average Australian, while the opposition spokesman for Blaming Howard’s Inflation on Labor, Malcom Turnbull, rubbed his hands together in glee as he told reporters that this was going to raise inflation again and it was all Kevin Rudd’s fault!
Meanwhile, there are growing rumours that a large section of Melbourne is about to be moved to the Gold Coast. “The only thing holding us back,” said Eddie McGuire, “Is how to ensure that only Collingwood and its supporters are moved.”
Anna Bligh has refused to comment at this stage.
In Britain, the BBC has been nominated for several awards for this amazing piece of reporting.
(Thanks for the tip-off, Mike. They changed it within the hour, so that was well caught.)
Posted in Australia
Tagged Adelaide, Anna Bligh, BBC, Darwin, humor, humour, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnball, Northern Territory, Ted Egan, Tony Abbott
How do you decribe the indescribable?
You don’t. You simply introduce –
The Umbilical Brothers,
Most testicular cancers are found by men themselves. Also, doctors should examine the testicles during routine physical exams. Between regular checkups, if a man notices anything unusual about his testicles, he should talk with his doctor.
In Australia, around 675 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer each year while in the USA, between 7,500 and 8,000 diagnoses of testicular cancer are made each year. More than half of the new diagnoses are in men under the age of 35.
Over his lifetime, a man’s risk of testicular cancer is roughly 1 in 250 (four tenths of one percent, or 0.4%). Testicular cancer has one of the highest cure rates of all cancers: in excess of 90%; essentially 100% if it has not metastasized. Even for the relatively few cases in which malignant cancer has spread widely, chemotherapy offers a cure rate of at least 85% today. Not all lumps on the testicles are tumors, and not all tumors are malignant; there are many other conditions such as Epididymal cysts, which may be painful but are non-cancerous. All unusual lumps or pain in the testicles should be checked by a physician.
If you need to watch this again, head on over to raincoaster who has also posted this public service announcement. Co-incidentally, she also has a story about a squirrel. Now doesn’t THAT make you want to do a protective grab?
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for
a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when
a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far
from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about
a minute and WHAM! a large mouth Bass hit his hook and the boy
pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy
dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another
one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more
since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and
said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half
dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms
warm!”
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.
I would like to apply fore a job as an editor of your paper. I halve a computer, and it has spellcheck, and it wood seam that this is awl I really knead.
I had originally intended too dew this last weak, but then I happened to reed my horoscope in The Times, and it said: “Put on the reigns before you lose control of everything. Of coarse, once I red this, I gnu it wood be better to weight four a more auspicious thyme.
Aye thought at first that maybe I should caul, but then I decided it mite be better to right. I truly believe that I would be a grate editor–know matter watt–rein or shine. Eye wood make accuracy inn spelling the mane ingredient of my editorial rain. Just to prove my hart is in the rite place, I maid sure this letter was perfect–I ran it threw Spellcheck.
I really due wont this job, and I no I could bee a reel asset, butt if yew don’t higher mi, I won’t whale.
[signed]
A New Zealand man who found himself in a service station queue with no money has attempted to pay for his food with cannabis, the Dominion Post newspaper reported. Unfortunately he did not get a chance to discover whether the attendant would accept his offer, as the person behind him in the queue was a police officer.
The man’s attempt to buy two packets of chocolate and a packet of potato chips to satisfy his “munchies” was caught short when he was arrested. He must have been hungry, as he failed to notice the police patrol car being filled with petrol, the paper reported.
The 28-year-old mechanic from the small North Island town of Carterton pleaded guilty to possessing cannabis in the Masterton District Court and was remanded for sentencing.
Posted in lifestyle
Tagged Cannibis, DUMB, humor, humour, Kiwi, New Zealand, pot, Stupid Crook
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