Humour

“She glanced upwards for a second at the soft blue vault of the midsummer night sky. Not a cloud misted its solemn depths. Tomorrow would be a beautiful day.”
― Stella Gibbons, Cold Comfort Farm

Irony is writing a book entitled “How to Make Money” and it doesn’t sell.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

Scientists believe that an achy breaky heart could’ve been the cause of extinction for the Billyraysaurus.

I came up with a brand new word yesterday: PLAGIARISM

I, for one, like Roman numerals

“Spell ‘Paranoia'”
“I can’t! I’m diabetic! It means I can’t spell!”

She chose to teach postcolonial theory instead of 17th century poetry. Because, well, you know, easier Saïd than Donne.

Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma

My grand-dad’s so old he can remember when X Factor was a Roman sun cream

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

If you think I’m going to tell you a geology joke, you must have rocks in your head

I had a physics joke for you but it’s in a box with the cat. I’m not sure if it’s funny or not.

It is hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac because they always take things literally.

Two kittens on a sloping roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He is 0K now.

Your mother is so classless she could be a Marxist Utopia.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

What do you get if you cross a pun with a rhetorical question?

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a physicist’s favourite food? Fission chips!

Sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, sodium, Batman!

C, E Flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”

Why dose a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

‘I keep writing letters to myself! Dear me.. ‘ – Mark Simmons

My dog ate all the scrabble tiles once. He keeps leaving little messages around the house…

I have a memory that’s so bad I forgot I tweeted about this before.

“Watson! I’ve overdosed on Imodium!” “No shit, Sherlock!” – Andrew O’Neill

I just ate a bag of scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell ‘disaster’!

Old McDonald had a rubbish hand at scrabble. E-I-E-I-O.

Scrabble is all fun and games until someone loses an i.

Friend of mine keeps taking all of one letter out of the bag when playing Scrabble, and doesn’t play them. He’s a beekeeper.

Suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

Friend of mine just lost a game of Scrabble. Didn’t look good from the word go.

Somebody scratched all of the little numbers of my Scrabble tiles. I’ve stopped playing it now, it’s pointless.

What nationality are the best Chickens ? CanadiHens

How does a snow man get around? On an icicle!

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

It’s getting harder to buy Advent calendars…their days are numbered!

What’s tall and wobbly and stands in the middle of Paris? The trifle tower!

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs!

How do you make a sausage roll? You push it!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

New cafe opened up on Unley Rd called Mother’s Milk. they serve the breast coffee.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste bad.

Breaking News; A French cheese factory has been blown up. de Brie everywhere.

Sometimes I use big words I don’t fully understand to make myself seem more photosynthesis.

What can you look down on, and approve of at the same time? Cleavage.

My wife believes I’ve got a dirty mind.  That’s only because I don’t change it as often as she does.

Spent the afternoon eating a clock. It was time consuming.

How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.

Pavlov is sitting in a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “Oh SHIT! I forgot to feed the dog!”

Shroediger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

Why do anarchists drink instant tea? Because proper-tea is theft.

Quasimodo ?? Hang on … that name rings a bell.

I’ve completely forgotten about last night’s dream about a boomerang. Hang on…it’s coming back to me..

Steppenwolf was an assumed name. He was born Toby Wild. ~ Shane Logan

Jingoistic – drunken inquiry as to the whereabouts of the gin~ Carol Drummond

What did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSA B

I can’t come to work today, the Universe is expanding.

I can’t come to work today, I have to milk my walrus.

I can’t come to work today, I’m suffering from osmosis.

I can’t come to work today, I have severely fractured my motivation.

I can’t come to work today, my goldfish drowned.

I can’t come to work today, an error has occurred and I need to be shut down.

Told my friend I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My girlfriend said we should have sex in the small lake in her garden. She’s into pondage

When you take LSD and sleep with your ex it means you have Acid Refucks

A word that is both before and afterous must be preposterous

My pet mouse Elvis died last night, he was caught in a trap.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?” One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!” So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?”  And that’s the last thing I remember

I like to give girls options during sex. It leads to an either/orgasm.

1. To show an answer is wrong. 2. To differentiate from noughts in a game 3. Executing Jesus. Sorry I’m talking cross purposes.

I just believed it isn’t butter. Who knows what achievement the rest of today may hold.

Captains of Fishing Trawlers often need to go on Angler Management courses.

Before the drugs, his name was Lance Armaveragestrength.

Of course, some less intelligent Unicorns used to be Polytechnicorns.

If you can’t say something nice, say something about Justin Bieber.

Just beat my Limbo Dancing personal best. It’s a new low for me.

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.

A fun trick is to put a wardrobe without a back next to the lion enclosure at the zoo, to fool kids into wandering in, thinking it’s Aslan.

UNSUCCESSFUL CHAT-UP LINE: If I could rearrange the Alphabet, I’d put D, N, A inside U.

The most asthmatic evil leader was Vlad the Inhaler.

Punishing your dog is no walk in the park.

I’m often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it’s hard to say.

The binary version of 101 Dalmatians is far less impressive.

Lost my job at SeaWorld on Day 1 – turns out ‘Sperm Whales’ is a species rather than a task.

The doctor giving the Rorschach Test thinks I’M weird?! He’s the one painting pictures of my mum having sex with a Dolphin on a motorbike.

My mother’s maiden name was actually “Password123”, which makes things a little tricky.

My business selling the ashes of famous seers is urning great prophets.”

“It was getting harder and harder to find dirty clothes to fill up the washing machine. Eventually, I threw in the towel.”

“The ancient Egyptian recession began with the collapse of the ankhs.”

“A friend’s pregnant wife got a craving for bamboo – I told him not to panda to her.”

“Pigeon Revolution? Not another coo d’etat…”

“I rubbed some mousse in my hair, but couldn’t get the antlers to sit right.”

“Luckily my mum hasn’t found these stockings I made out of human skin – she’d have my guts for garters.”

“Thanks to the recession, many members of religious orders are being made renundant.”

“Trapped in a container ship – a freight worse than death.”

“My vegetable furniture business brings home a comfortable celery.”

“I managed to snap an Alaskan brown bear in the wild. Definitely a kodiak moment.”

“The busy cobbler shoed me away.”

“I’m dating a 100 year old – she’s very romantique.”

“He confessed in an ultra-low frequency. The truth hertz.”

“Woke up today feeling blue. She told me to keep my hands to myself.”

“Went to unlock my boat, but I had the wrong quay.”

“My mates asked me to build a wooden platform out to sea, but I don’t give in to pier pressure.”

“I’m very passionate about dried fruit – it’s my raisin d’etre.”

“Saw someone punch Elizabeth I in the neck, I thought, “That’s a bit ruff”.”

“Sorting out the excess architectural detail on my wall with some anti-frieze.”

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily, I didn’t sustain any super-fish-oil injuries.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious. ~ T.S. Eliot

One of Murphy’s newer laws: The more annoying the ringtone, the longer it takes someone to answer it.

Perhaps someone can implant a virus that when the cell phone rings, it explodes.

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.

“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

There are three sides of an argument — your side, my side and the right side.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

A good pun is its own reword.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

A sense of humour is a major defence against going mad at the world’s collective insanity

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Allow me to introduce my selves

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

If all it takes is an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, how come AOL haven’t written any Shakespeare yet?

At first this idea sounds ridiculous. But if you really think about it, you begin to realize that it makes no sense whatsoever.
Dave Berry

Brevity is the soul of

Cat… The _other_ white meat…

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

“… diamonds are forever, but _oranges_… are for half-time…”
— Flacco, DAAS Kapital

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
William Feather

Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery

Exercise is a dirty word. Everytime I say it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Seven Latin Dwarves; Fatuus, Medicullus, Severus, Beatus, Somniculosus, Verecundus & Sternuens.
Henry Beard

!fiG !fiG
(To “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)
Don’t give us some figgy pudding.
Don’t give us some figgy pudding.
Don’t give us some figgy pudding.
and put down that cam!

Four hours to bury a cat?” “Yes – it wouldn’t keep still.

From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.
Calvin

German humour is no joke
But it is well organised
Pete McCarthy

habit of top posting.
please not do this evil, evil
logic of a discussion. Could you
it significantly harder to follow the
not to top-post. Top-posting makes
have been made previously for you
I know that a number of requests

Happy Birthday You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike
– Lines that Hallmark rejected

You don’t change the way people think by changing what they say. You change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!

“He’s such a hick he doesn’t even have a trapeze in his bedroom.”

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields

I am a deeply superficial person

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect..

“I am at two with nature.”
Woody Allen

I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

I got expelled from Mensa for pointing out that the plural of Mensis is not Mensa but Menses.      They discharged me at the end of the month.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have a dictionary, an encyclopaedia, and a willingness to brazen it out if necessary

I have no bad habits, I am very good at all of them

I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.

I prefer to remain anomalous

“I simply want to be rich enough to be able to hold money in the contempt it deserves.”

I support two teams; the Dockers and whoever is playing Collingwood.

“I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.”
Woody Allen

I wanted to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn’t let me
Calvin

By ten I was so wasted I had been officially downgraded to a lower rung on the evolutionary ladder. Some guy in a suit came up, listened to my attempts to string words together, revoked my rights as Homo Sapiens on the spot and reclassified me as some kind of plant life. I had to fill in all kinds of forms and shit. It was very embarrassing.

I’m not breaking the rules; I’m just testing their elasticity

I’m not shy…I’m just studying my prey.

In a democratic society, how important are elections? Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

“He is only interested in whisky and sex.”
“Well, where he comes from, he can’t get soda.”
from “Carry On Again Doctor”

It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

Life is a reach. Then you gybe.

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.

Never go to sleep mad. Stay awake all night and plot horrible REVENGE!!

QUICK, OPERATOR, GIVE ME THE NUMBER TO 911!

Our female croc ate the Hungarian, the Czech is in the male!

… I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo… in morse code…

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.

psycho-eco-auto-carbo-micro-hydro-bio-ergonomics: growing small, comfortable, environmentally sound plants in soda water in the radiator of your mind.

Reality continues to ruin my life.
Calvin

Reality is only for those who can’t handle a decent fantasy

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several  days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

… Schubert… nothing wrong with Schubert… except syphilis…”
— David Helfgott, “Shine”

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields

Teenagers, eh? Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell them for medical experiments…

That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is.

The key to winning Booker prizes is to know this: the judging committee simply weighs the book, then divides the weight in ounces by the average number of adjectives per noun. If the resulting integer is positive, the book is dropped from contention.

The mome rath isn’t born that could outgrabe me!

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity.
With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”
Calvin

This has been a test of the emergency sex drive system. The broadcasters in your area, in voluntary cooperation with federal, state and local authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of a sex drive. For the next sixty seconds, you will hear a tone that will be used to alert you in case of an actual sex drive. Remember, this is only a test.

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
Douglas Adams

‘Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
Malaclypse the Younger

“To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
Woody Allen

“We’re _sweet_ and _innocent_ evil bastards”

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls right over.

“Excelsior!” cried Stan Lee, as Spidey’s nipples went *spung*.
– Alleged to be the worst sentence in the world.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
– Lazarus Long

“You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.”
Mark Twain.

You don’t know the meaning of drunk until you’re lying in the middle of a field, hanging on for dear life.
I … I … I know you think I’m paranoid … you all do. 😦

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
Joe E Lewis.

I’m not coming to your party, I’m playing strip twister!”