Twisted

 

After another minute Reuben brought forth the following sentence: ‘I ha’ scranleted two hundred furrows come five o’clock down i’ the bute.’ It was a difficult remark, Flora felt, to which to reply.
― Stella Gibbons, Cold Comfort Farm

“Nature is all very well in her place, but she must not be allowed to make things untidy.”
― Stella Gibbons

“Surely she had endured enough for one evening without having to listen to intelligent conversation?”
― Stella Gibbons, Cold Comfort Farm

“WARNING: sending me junk-email will be interpreted as granting permission to bomb your offices and machine-gun your children.” — Simon Slavin, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

Some guy called Schrodinger called, looking for a lost cat. Unfortunately, I don’t have it … Or do I?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?

Will your answer to this question be no?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

If swimming’s such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Do we make bombs better or worse?

Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Can you learn to read from a “Reading for Dummies” book?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why are apartments so close together?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed,” when afterward, it doesn’t work anymore?

If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Why can’t Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there’s no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

What is the speed of darkness?

If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

Why is minimalism such a big word?

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat’s back?

What’d happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can’t they just get taller women?

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren’t I a genius?

Why don’t people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Where is the cat in the catwalk? Do models walk like cats?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Y2K???? Maybe 1 K just isn’t enough.

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road… whatever happened to the other shoe?

Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If a member of a synchronized swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

Why do sky divers wear helmets ?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How does the VCR clock work anyway?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How many times do you use a disposable razor?

Why do banks charge you an ‘insufficient funds’ fee for money they already know you don’t have?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of his nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?

If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

If you are refinishing a table, shouldn’t you have to restart?

If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?

If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?

If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?

Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?

Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why does the door bell ring just after you’ve stepped out of the shower?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called a cargo?

Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we’re out in the rain?

Why is it that when You’re driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?

Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?

Why is it that international magazines that advertise products will have the same description of something in different languages, but the description of each language is written in english? Who’s that supposed to benefit?

Why do they print “serving suggestion” next to the picture of a product on its label?

Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn’t a “serving suggestion” on the label?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How did a fool and his money get together?

How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road sign?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What is the speed of dark?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

How is it that “Fat Chance” and “Slim Chance” mean the same thing?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called a cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why are hot dogs sold in packages of six, but hot dog buns in packages of ten?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that rain drops and snow falls?

Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Why do all the beautiful women with blond hair, dye their roots brown?

If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

I keep getting empathy mixed up with apathy and now I really care if other people don’t give a f**k.

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

I’d like to give special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times

I’m not drunk… Floors need hugs too.

I’m giving up cleaning out my navel for Lint.

I lost my job as a sginwirter.

A billionaire and a millionaire politician walk into a pub,……. and tell the staff they earn too much.

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

If you like Star Wars puns, Yo-da man

If Mr Spock sold condoms… would they be Vulcanized rubber?

Things to avoid: Being measured for a cod-piece by your fishmonger

She was only a sewerman’s daughter but she could not be deterred.

I have seen the truth – and it makes no sense!

I don’t have a problem with caffeine: I have a problem without caffeine!

Schrodinger’s thunderdome! One cat enters and one MIGHT leave!

Never Trust an Atom. They Make Up Everything

You’re only as thing as the things you thingy.

My inner peace wants to kick your fucking ass

I coffee. Therefore I am. ~ A Rabica

Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald. -Chinese Proverb

I just saw an ad  saying “TV for sale – Bargain $1, sound stuck on full volume”. I thought ‘Wow I can’t turn THAT down.’

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Horror is the natural reaction to the last 5,000 years of history.

Most of our ancestors were not perfect ladies and gentlemen. The majority of them weren’t even mammals.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

It’s tricky to take blood if the veins are varicose together.

I’m really a lot more me-biquitous than ubiquitous.

Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

My workmate says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Why was the pirate nicknamed the Rotund Soprano? – – – He invoked sphere on the high C’s.

What can’t money buy………………..Poverty.

You’re an adult and being an adult sucks and drinking legally is one of the few perks to make up for it.

The meaning of life resembles an onion, so many layers, no core and it makes you weep.

I could be a morning person if morning happened to be around noon

I have a job crushing soft drink cans. It’s soda pressing

If someone accuses you of being self righteous it’s code for ‘You’re right. I just don’t like it.’

I think indecisively, therefore I am, maybe.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That’s why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

I decided to change and stop being judgemental. I stereotype now.

It’s rude to talk to people while they’re staring at their phones.

I’m not emotionally available right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I’m drunk enough to share feelings

I have this fantasy where people aren’t stupid.

Driving’s fun, you’re outdoors but inside and moving but sitting down, and you get to steer.

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

Why is it so hard to find the balance between doing sweet FA and overdoing it?

Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

My Job is to Comfort the Disturbed & Disturb the Comfortable.

“Contrariwise”, continued Tweedledee, “If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.”
Lewis Carroll

A girl and a boy bump into each other – surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops – surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid – that has to mean something.”
— S. Morganstern, “The Silent Gondoliers”

A “practical joker” deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest
– Lazarus Long

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else

“Americans have different ways of saying things.
They say “elevator”, we say “lift” …
they say “President”, we say “stupid psychopathic git.”
Alexai Sayle.

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:

“Basses like Altos.
Altos like Basses.
Tenors like Tenors.
Sopranos like discos.”
~ From 1995, Choral relationships explained by Eric the Fruitbat
(aka Paul Sleigh, fruitbat@matra.com.au)

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

“Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the self-righteous, and the shrill. This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers – for the savvy individual who knows where to look – the tasteless and borderline insane.”
Dave Barry

Do I look like a freakin’ people person?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.

Don’t eat ladyfingers – even if you know the lady they came from.

Explaining the job to a new elf, one of the older elves said, “Your job is to take off the little ‘Made in China’ stickers.

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
Oscar Wilde

I’m sad to say that Americans will never call their firefighters “firies” for the reason that it’s one letter off from “fairies” and on average American heterosexual men are not confident enough in their own masculinity to call themselves anything close to something like “fairies.” That’s why they own lots of guns. ~~ Renal Failure Blog

“First things first, but not necessarily in that order.”
Dr Who

I do what I can for my friends. I do what I can to my enemies. ~~ Mist 1 Blog

Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against you, the reason can’t possibly be that you’re a fuckhead.

I have a hammer! I can put things together. I can tear things apart.
I can alter my enviroment while making an incredible din the whole time.
God, its great to be a male.
Calvin

I’ve set aside this special time to humiliate myself in public.

I wonder if Santa checks his mail box on December 26th for Thankyou notes?

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake–which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

Psst… hey Guido… it’s all so clear to me now… I’m the Keeper of the Cheese… and you’re the Lemon Merchant… and he KNOWS… that’s why he’s going to KILL us… and we have to get away before he sets loose the marmosets upon us… DON’T WORRY LITTLE MISSY!! I’LL SAVE YOU!!”
Ren

Last week, I went to Philidelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields

Laugh and the world laughs with you, grin stupidly and make strange noises and everyone stays out of your space.

‘Leave nothing but beer stains & cigarette ash.
Take nothing but glasses, ashtrays & the barmaid…’

Like many other people here, I proofread after posting

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
-Confucius

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
-Confucius

Baseball all wrong – man with four balls can’t walk.
-Confucius

“We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of William Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know that this is not true.”
Professor Robert Silensky, University of California

“My purpose here is to clearly demonstrate to all concerned that you are indeed insane; so that all doctors, policemen and other persons of authority will be shown to their professional satisfaction the truth of my statements. Please, do not change colour while I am talking to you.”

“No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them.”
Elie Wiesel

Passionate kiss like spider web – lead to undoing of fly.
-Confucius

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

Quintuple A: Australian Association Against Acronym Abuse

Quire the inquiry, sert the insertable, dulge the indulgence, nov the innovation, ert the inertia and flate the inflatable!

When a six-foot-long eel
wants to nibble your heel,
that’s a moray.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with..
W. C. Fields

Sure, whatever you say…
And |———————————–| really *is* six inches…

Television is a medium.
Proof:
a) Television is not rare.
b) Television is not well done.
QED”

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
H.P.Lovecraft

The only things one needs in life are WD-40 to make things go and duct tape to make them stop

There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
Will Rogers

“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
Douglas Adams

“There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”
Dr Who

To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.

Today’s artificial trees are almost too good to be true. They’re full, their branches are uniform, their colour is good and they’re flameproof. But have you every heard anybody stand next to such a tree, inhale deeply and say: “Ahhhh … the smell of plastic!!!

“Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.”
— TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
– Lazarus Long

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it’s only a hundred billion. It’s less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
Richard Feynman

When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off by sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.
John Wyndham

When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.
Calvin

When dogma enters the brain, all intellectual activity ceases. ~~ Robert Anton Wilson

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Henny Youngman

You can have it fast, cheap or right. Pick two.

“The male body is aerodynamic…”
“Yeah, it’s got a keel.”
“So what does that make a female? A catamaran?”

“You can’t lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling…”

You think I’m normal? We must not have met before

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