Out Of Time

onceupunatimeyellowThe cruise ship’s captain prided himself on the ship’s world class orchestra.

On one cruise a second violinist broke his arm and had to be replaced.

The captain auditioned a number of aspiring members at his next port of call,

He found a violinist who seemed to be perfect; wonderful technical ability and a great knowledge of the orchestra’s repertoire so he was hired and the ship sailed on.

It was only when he began to perform with his fellow players  that a problem was found. The new violinist could not keep time with the rest of the orchestra.

The passengers had to give up dancing as the rhythm was so disrupted!

Finally the captain said to his new player, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard.

It’s up to you: Sync or swim!”

Blessings From Above

onceupunatimeblueA woman in London was walking in the park with her house guest, a member of a Roman Catholic religious order.

Unfortunately one of the city’s many pigeons dropped its calling card on the visitor while flying overhead.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry!” the embarrassed Londoner said to her guest.

“Not to worry,” the good-humored sister replied as she dabbed with her handkerchief at the dropping on her habit. “It’s quite obvious that that pigeon was on a nun-stop flight.”

On Fire

onceupunatimeorange a young woman was driving along the highway attempted to light a cigarette, her sleeve caught fire.

She was able to stop the car and get out, but in her panic she just stood there flailing her arm helplessly.

A state patrol officer saw her, stopped, and gave her a ticket.

“What’s this for?” the injured woman cried as she blew out the flames.

“Brandishing a firearm,” the officer explained.

Earl Grey

onceupunatimepurplemany people assumed that Earl Grey tea got its name by being a favorite of that English earl.

In truth, the name originated in a small town in New South Wales named Earl Grey, where the citizens were getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office.

She was first elected in 1972, and she had run unopposed in every election since.

When her age began to hinder her from getting about, her constituents observed, “The Earl Grey mayor, she ain’t what she used to be.”


God and Swearing

God and Swearing

Wisdom May Be All That Is Left

I once ran a mile in four minutes fifteen,
Made love to two ladies in one night,
Smoked two kinds of weed and drank beer,
Read Tolstoy, Rod McKuen and Gibran,
Married in lust, we learned to love.

Wrote and ranted and rhymed and punned.
At times I almost made sense to me at least.
Somehow the years passed unnoticed,
An eternal procession of dawns and twilights.
The privilege of knowing them carelessly ignored.

I now walk a mile and need a week to recover.
In remembrance of the ladies I loved, I smile
Except for the tears for the one I love.
I’m allergic to smoke, the eyes are dim,
Lust is a memory and every dawn is precious.

JEMcL Oct 2016

The Caterpillar

I envy the little caterpillar
Eating, excreting then spinning
Sleeping for a while
Waking with wings of beauty

The caterpillar doesn’t know me
I eat, excrete but cannot spin
Sleeping for a while
Waking to the same ugliness

JEMcL Oct 2016