About Sex

As a member of the beach accident appreciation squad, I know what a mixture of KY and sand can do, so you youths messing around in the sand-dunes, just STOP it!” ~ Wendy Harmer

March isn’t the only thing that’s in like a lion and out like a lamb.
–  May West

Modern Christian teaching on sex often emphasises the powerful bonding nature of sex and argues that the union and covenant it creates between two people is one which is designed to last a lifetime, a precious gift not to be freely given to multiple partners. It follows that if we all shagged each other we would all have a powerful bond with everyone and love and peace would prevail . . .

Virginity in an adult is no more of a virtue than malnutrition.

There’s no beau like a bonobo.

“Men are hard-wired to find breasts sexy” Men are hard-wired to blame everything on hardwiring, but in this case underwiring has at least as much effect. – Comment in the Guardian

Did the person who invented the vibrator hear voices saying, “If you build it they will come”?

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. ~ Lily Tomlin

Did you hear about the guy with a jurisprudence fetish? He got off on a technicality.

If two past lovers can remain friends, they’re either still in love or never were.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

If you never plan to get married, none of the sex you have is premarital.

“Sex is nature’s way of saying ‘Hi!’”

“The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer.” Marcus Aurelius

“My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.” Les Dawson

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex” Barbara Cartland

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” Rita Rudner

“Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can’t even get into my own pants”

“Laughter and orgasm are great bedfellows” ~ John Callahan

“Sex is simple, love stings afterwards.”

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions” Woody Allen

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions” Woody Allen

“Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” Joanne Woodward

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” Sophia Loren

I’ve been forced to explain homosexuality to my kids (aged 3 and 4) because their uncle is gay. This incredibly difficult and traumatic experience went as follows:
Child: Why does Uncle Bob go everywhere with Pete?
Me: Because they’re in love, just like Mummy and Daddy are.
Child: Oh. Can I have a biscuit?

We’re all scarred for life. Scarred, I tell you.”
— KateP, Internet commenter

“Sex is a momentary itch, love never lets you go”

“When sex is good there’s nothing better, when it’s bad it’s not bad.”

“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” ~ Alfred C. Kinsey

Now I’m discovering real nurses are not as sexy as costume shops would have you believe.

A woman seeks one man to fullfil ALL her needs while A man seeks ALL women to fullfil his one need.

At first glance there’s nothing erotic about ecdysiast – it only reveals itself bit by bit.
– anon

Any sentence with the word “knockers” in it that doesn’t begin with “Cor” is grammatically incorrect.
– anon

All cats are not gray after midnight. Endless variety –
– Lazarus Long

And the rain will fall, it falls for you.
And the clouds will break into tears
from “And The Sun Will Shine”

The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.  Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s disease research.  It is now projected  that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.

..cover her up in chocolate syrup…”
Frank Zappa

“Fed up with watersports? Constrained by traditional dominant-submissive  roles? Try a more nurturing role: feed me like a baby pelican! Both sexes  welcome. I supply the raw herring, you bring the big strap-on beak.
No weirdos.”

God created sex.  Priests created marriage.
Voltaire

Have you noticed how much they look like orchids? Lovely!
– Lazarus Long

He only plucked one pheasant and I’m sitting here with piles.

I am sorry to say that the generality of women who have excelled in wit have failed in chastity.
~ Elizabeth Montague

I’d rather she’d used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me.

Isn’t it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

It was a blonde, a blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window ~~ Raymond Chandler “Farewell, My Lovely (1940)

As an avid student of the anglers art I have learned that bait is the most important element to master.  Indeed, the true angler is one who, through due diligence in the study of bait and long hours
devoted to the mastery of subtle manipulation, has made of himself a master baiter.
~’Blind Harry’ Palm, “Warts and the Art of Fly Fishing”

“The male body is aerodynamic…”
“Yeah, it’s got a keel.”
“So what does that make a female? A catamaran?”

Marriage is the price men pay for sex. Sex is the price women pay for marriage

Men of all shapes and sizes, ages and creeds, and states of marital or  relationship bliss enjoy, every now and then, the sight of a woman with no clothes on. It’s just as well we do, you know, otherwise there’d be no new little earthlings, would there? If you want to call that oppression or sexism or the commodification of the female body then go right ahead, but don’t expect me to talk to you at dinner parties. I prefer to call it sexual attraction, but then I’m a sad case who spends half his life in front of computer, so what the hell do I know?

“Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.”
Dave Barry

My girlfriend can count all the lovers she has had on one hand – if she is holding a calculator.  ~~ Tom Cotter

I’m offering you my body and you’re offering me semantics?

“Simultaneous orgasms are mostly a stroke of luck.”
~Azul Azure

SWM into chainsaws and hockey masks seek likeminded SWF. No weirdos, please.
Reno Gazette

“There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible.”
P.J. O’Rourke

Virginity like balloon – one prick, all gone.
-Confucius

We did one of those quick, awkward kisses where each of you get a nose in the eye  ~~ Clive James “Unreliable Memoirs” (1980)

We were fast and furious: I was fast and she was furious.   ~~ Max Kauffman

What men desire is a virgin who is a whore
~~ Edward Dahlberg “Reasons of the Heart” (1965)

When women go wrong, men go right after them ~~ Mae West

Why do men think women have no brains?
Because they don’t have any testicles to put them in.

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman — stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
Emo Philips