Scott Morrison, Global Benefactor

Like many others I have spent the past twelve months accusing the Immigration Minister Scott Morrison of being deliberately cruel, a vicious bastard and a deliberate torturer.

I was wrong.

Mr Morrison has been working quietly in the background and he has finally come out and announced a policy which will end the whole asylum seeker problem.morrison

Today he announced that if a refugee were to change his or her behaviour in their homeland then they could continue to live there in safety.

This is based on a single case of a silver worker from Afghanistan who changed his job to become a truck driver and the Taliban did not approve. Mr Morrison has determined from this case that the refugee in question brought his troubles upon himself by making the job change. If he was to go back to silver working then he would be safe.

This is a leap of sheer genius. All people need to do to be safe and to avoid needing to flee is to change. Behind that sneer is a giant intellect.

If they are Christian in a Muslim society then by changing their religion then they become safe.

If they are homosexual in a country which punishes homosexuality then all they need to do is to become “straight”.

If you are a woman in a society which punishes women for being women, then a simple sex change will solve the problem.

If the ruling group in a country is determined to wipe out your group, then all you need to do is to join the ruling group. Small things like accents and skin colour are minor difficulties. Make the change, fit in and live safely.

This is a wonderful development. We have been unjustly attacking one of the great benefactors of the world.

No more refugees will ever need to make that terrible journey away from their homes and into unnecessary danger.

But you must excuse me. The great man is calling for a bowl of water and a towel.

He has developed this need to continually wash his hands.


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