Tag Archives: Tony Abbott

The Big Lie


The Tasmanian Farmer


A Tasmanian farmer is working in his fruit and vegetable farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW squeals to a stop beside him.
The driver, a middle-aged man with big ears in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and blue tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, ‘If I tell you exactly how many apple trees and how many apricot trees you have in your orchard, will you give me a box of apricots?’

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city type, then looks over at his orchard and calmly answers, ‘Sure, why not?’

The city guy whips out his Apple I-Phone, connects it to his Apple Notebook and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The welld-dressed bloke then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Notebook that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his I-Phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 apple trees and 987 apricot trees.’

‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take a box of my apricots,’ says the farmer.

He watches the blow-in select one of the boxes and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his BMW.  Then he says to the big-eared city type, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my box of produce?’

The visitor thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

‘You with the Australian Government’, says the farmer.

‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the suited bloke, taking one of brownish fruit out of the box and biting into it. ‘I’m the Prime Minister. How did you guess that?’

‘No guessing required.’ answered the farmer. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about orchards and market gardens .. the orchard is over there. This is a field of vegetables.  Now give me back my box of onions.”

 

 

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Pillow Talk


“Oh I say Queenie, isn’t it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a knighthood?”
“Oh yes rather Philly. Isn’t he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger smuggler. It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a badger?”
“Oh yes Queenie – it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that we will have to give him a title in return.”
“I know Philly – we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown Nose.”
“A jolly capital idea Queenie – we can dub him ‘Sir Pository’.”
“Oh that is super Philly – I am slightly amused.”

Collected from Facebook (Thanks, Tony Fantasia)

 

 

 

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The Broken Fence


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Kirribilli House. broken fence

One is from South Australia, another is from Western Australia, and the third is from Queensland. All three go with tony abbott to examine the fence.

The West Aussie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The South Aussie contractor also does some measuring and calculating, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Queensland contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to tony abbott and whispers, “$2,700.”

Incredulous, tony, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Banana Bender whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the Crow-eater to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies tony.

And that, my friends, is how the Liberal Party will solve the Debt and Deficit Disaster.

 

 

 

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tony abbott Drowning


One morning tony abbott was riding his bike along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney. His front wheel hit an unexpected rock and he stacked it. tony fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the Security detail guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Movie World in QLD’

tony said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Prime Minister’s airplane.’

The second kid said, ‘I want a new cricket bat.’

tony said, ‘I’ll get it for you, and I’ll have the Australian Cricket team sign it!’

The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’

tony was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’

The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!’

 

 

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Smart Kid


A Kindergarten teacher in Toorak, in Melbourne, is explaining to her class that she is a Liberal and how nice it is that a new Liberal Prime Minister has taken office.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liberals and support tony abbott.

Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.

“Mary,” asks the teacher with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not a Liberal,” says Mary.

“Well, what are you?” asks the teacher.

“I’m a Green and proud of it,” replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why are you a Green?” she asks.

“Well, my mother and father are Greens, so I’m a Green, too.”

“Well,” says the teacher in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Green. You don’t always have to be like your parents. What if your mother was a criminal and your father was a criminal, too, what would you be then?”

Mary smiled. “Then we’d be Liberals.”
 

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The Newman Stamp


During December Campbell Newman was deciding to call a snap election in Queensland. At the same time his Party, in their Bowen St offices were analysing the latest polling.

The results were very, very discouraging. A brainstorming session was called. Any ideas to improve the popularity of the Premier were to be welcomed.

One of the staffers diffidently suggested that, with Christmas coming up and lots of cards being posted, perhaps the trick would be to put Newman’s face on a special Christmas stamp.

This seemed a great idea and so Australia Post were contacted and a great photo of Campbell Newman was found, some sample stamps printed off and quick round of market research carried out.

Severe and unexpected problems were found with the adhesive.

No one was licking the sticky side of the stamp. Instead they were spitting on the image.