The Big Lie

The Tasmanian Farmer

A Tasmanian farmer is working in his fruit and vegetable farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW squeals to a stop beside him.
The driver, a middle-aged man with big ears in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and blue tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, ‘If I tell you exactly how many apple trees and how many apricot trees you have in your orchard, will you give me a box of apricots?’

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city type, then looks over at his orchard and calmly answers, ‘Sure, why not?’

The city guy whips out his Apple I-Phone, connects it to his Apple Notebook and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The welld-dressed bloke then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Notebook that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his I-Phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 apple trees and 987 apricot trees.’

‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take a box of my apricots,’ says the farmer.

He watches the blow-in select one of the boxes and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his BMW.  Then he says to the big-eared city type, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my box of produce?’

The visitor thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

‘You with the Australian Government’, says the farmer.

‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the suited bloke, taking one of brownish fruit out of the box and biting into it. ‘I’m the Prime Minister. How did you guess that?’

‘No guessing required.’ answered the farmer. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about orchards and market gardens .. the orchard is over there. This is a field of vegetables.  Now give me back my box of onions.”

 

 

Pillow Talk

“Oh I say Queenie, isn’t it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a knighthood?”
“Oh yes rather Philly. Isn’t he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger smuggler. It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a badger?”
“Oh yes Queenie – it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that we will have to give him a title in return.”
“I know Philly – we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown Nose.”
“A jolly capital idea Queenie – we can dub him ‘Sir Pository’.”
“Oh that is super Philly – I am slightly amused.”

Collected from Facebook (Thanks, Tony Fantasia)

 

 

 

The Broken Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Kirribilli House.

One is from South Australia, another is from Western Australia, and the third is from Queensland. All three go with tony abbott to examine the fence.

The West Aussie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The South Aussie contractor also does some measuring and calculating, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Queensland contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to tony abbott and whispers, “$2,700.”

Incredulous, tony, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Banana Bender whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the Crow-eater to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies tony.

And that, my friends, is how the Liberal Party will solve the Debt and Deficit Disaster.

 

 

 

tony abbott Drowning

One morning tony abbott was riding his bike along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney. His front wheel hit an unexpected rock and he stacked it. tony fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the Security detail guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Movie World in QLD’

tony said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Prime Minister’s airplane.’

The second kid said, ‘I want a new cricket bat.’

tony said, ‘I’ll get it for you, and I’ll have the Australian Cricket team sign it!’

The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’

tony was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’

The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning!’

 

 

Smart Kid

A Kindergarten teacher in Toorak, in Melbourne, is explaining to her class that she is a Liberal and how nice it is that a new Liberal Prime Minister has taken office.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liberals and support tony abbott.

Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.

“Mary,” asks the teacher with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not a Liberal,” says Mary.

“Well, what are you?” asks the teacher.

“I’m a Green and proud of it,” replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why are you a Green?” she asks.

“Well, my mother and father are Greens, so I’m a Green, too.”

“Well,” says the teacher in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Green. You don’t always have to be like your parents. What if your mother was a criminal and your father was a criminal, too, what would you be then?”

Mary smiled. “Then we’d be Liberals.”
 

The Newman Stamp

During December Campbell Newman was deciding to call a snap election in Queensland. At the same time his Party, in their Bowen St offices were analysing the latest polling.

The results were very, very discouraging. A brainstorming session was called. Any ideas to improve the popularity of the Premier were to be welcomed.

One of the staffers diffidently suggested that, with Christmas coming up and lots of cards being posted, perhaps the trick would be to put Newman’s face on a special Christmas stamp.

This seemed a great idea and so Australia Post were contacted and a great photo of Campbell Newman was found, some sample stamps printed off and quick round of market research carried out.

Severe and unexpected problems were found with the adhesive.

No one was licking the sticky side of the stamp. Instead they were spitting on the image.

The McAbbott Burger

McDonalds are being good corporate citizens here in Australia and are creating a new burger.

It will celebrate the Prime Ministership of tony abbott.

The McAbbott Burger.

It comes with double cheese, fries and extra meat.

It says so, right there on the advertising.

Of course, when you get it, the price has an added $7  co-payment, the cheese has been removed as an efficiency dividend, you will never get the fries you were originally promised because of Labor’s debt and deficit disaster, and it’s only got half the meat.

 

 

 

The Scale of Things

The Australian Cabinet is holding its weekly meeting in Canberra.

Kevin Andrews is currently giving a report on the Military situation around the world.

He starts in Syria and Iraq where the Islamic State is becoming even more bloodthirsty.

“Sadly,” he says, “Three Brazilian soldiers have been killed.”

A shocked sob is heard and everyone looks at Joe Hockey.

tony abbott sympathetically asks, “What is wrong, Joe? I haven’t seen you react like this since that Asylum Seeker debate about the Malaysian solution.”

Joe sobbed, “The scale of death and destruction there is terrible. Just terrible. How many is a brazillion?”

 

 

 

 

Tragedies and Accidents

Prime Minister Abbott and Education Minister Christopher Pyne were visiting a primary school. They were taken into a classroom where the students were discussing words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister whether he would care to lead a discussion on the word “Tragedy”. Not sure where this was going, the Prime Minister asked the class to give him an example.

A little boy stood up, and said, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was playing in the field, and a tractor ran over him, and killed him, that would be a tragedy”.

“No,” said tony abbott, ‘that wouldn’t be a tragedy: that would be an accident”.
A little girl raised her hand: “If the school bus had fifty boys and girls in it, and it drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy”.

“I’m afraid not,” explained Christopher Pyne; “That is what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. The children were convinced that most of what they though of as tragedies were not really tragedies. There were no other offers. tony abbot’s eyes searched the room. “Can no one here give me an example of a tragedy?”

At the back of the room, a little, be-spectacled girl put her hand up, and said in a quiet voice, “If a plane carrying you and Mr Pyne was flying over a Naval firing range and your plane was struck by friendly fire and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy”.

“Magnificent!” exclaimed tony abbott, “That’s right! And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

“Well,” said the girl with the quiet voice, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident.”

 

 

 

Prime Ministerial Problem

Our Prime Minister, tony abbott, has broken so many promises that he’s actually run out of promises to break!

This created such a problem that a special Prime Minister’s Office meeting was called.

After several hours discussion a solution was found.

Peta Credlin agreed to bring him a list of all of John Howard’s and David Cameron’s promises so he can start working on breaking them as well!

 

Dear Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper,

This past year you have taken away my favorite comedian, Robin Williams; my favorite person, Gough Whitlam; my favourite racing driver, Sir Jack Brabham and my favorite screen siren, Lauren Bacall.

Just so you know, for this coming year, my favorite politician is Tony Abbott.

 

The Cattle Dog

As the budget emergency turned into budget farce and the Coalition was being trashed not only in the polls but also in the News Ltd media, tony abbott  called Joe Hockey into his office  and said “Joe, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out and win the country voters.”

“Good idea, Boss, how will we go about it”? asked Joe.
“Well”, said tony, “we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.”
“Right” said Joe.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

“G’day mate”, said tony to the bartender, “a couple of your best shandies.”

“OK.” said the bartender with a bit of a smirk, “two middies of our best shandy coming up.”

abbott and Hockey stood leaning on the bar drinking their shandies, smoking their cigars and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Hockey and abbott could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

“Tell me” asked Hockey, “why those old stockmen come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?”

“Strewth no”, said the barman. “Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with a couple of arseholes.”

 

SPAM Warning – Severe!

SPAM WARNING.

If you get an email headed, “Nude Photo of Julie Bishop”

DO NOT OPEN IT!

It contains your worst nightmare.

A nude photo of Julie Bishop!

I have included a censored version of this photograph. There is no need for anyone elses eyes or brain to be permanently damaged by this sight.

 

 

 

The Suppository of All Wisdom

A plane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only four parachutes.

The first passenger says “I’m Shane Watson, the best cricketer in the world. The fans and women need me, it would be unfair to them if I died.” So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Rupert Murdoch, says, “I am the owner of the largest media conglomerate in the world, I own the Wall Street Journal, Sky News, Fox News and the British and Australian Governments as well as the American Tea Party and I have a responsibility to all my shareholders not to die.” He takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, tony abbott, says, “I am the Prime Minister of Australia. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. Apart from that, I am the the suppository of all wisdom and the most intelligent Prime Minister in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die.” So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, Pope Francis, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy “I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute.”

The boy replies “No problem, there is also a parachute for you. the suppository of all wisdom and the most intelligent Prime Minister in the history of the country has taken my schoolbag…”