Category Archives: humour

Weapons of War


Throughout the history of mankind, wars have been fought and often won by the army with better weapons. Rocks were superseded by spears and then spears were superseded by bows and arrows. Firstly there were long bows, followed by crossbows.

One King developed a weapon which could fire a hundred arrows at a time. It seemed a good idea on paper, a Hellish weapon, frightening in the extreme. Sadly it failed when it came to being used. It had a range of just over twenty paces. Far from creating terror on the battlefield, it was easily over run as it took longer to reload than it took the enemy to cross 20 paces.

One of the King’s courtiers disappeared from the castle for several months and when he returned he was arrested on sight for desertion. Hauled before the King, he pleaded for his life. He explained that he now had invented a new style of bowstring.

‘What is the use of that?’ thundered the King. ‘I need you here on the battlefield!’

The courier replied, ‘This new string will increase the range of your new bow. It is super stretchy and very very strong. It will give more power to your Hell Bow.’

 

Conservation and Renewal


There was an old man who lived in a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside in the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children planted a seed and grew a new one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

 

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Sid and Sod #886


WOOF


There once was a woman with 100 children ..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. First one One, second Two, ..and so on ..you get the idea.

She had her own church in the village. You ask why? Well how else would 101 people attend Sunday church service together? Not a church in any village nearby was big enough. So they had their own church with their own Priest and nuns and everything. Raised very religiously, all the children were true to the Lord, except for Ninety. Ninety did not believe in God, and the family had begun to live with it, hard as it was.

On one such bright and sunny Sunday, everyone set out to Church. Everyone but Ninety. The service began and everyone was humming and praying, until suddenly smoke emerged from under all the benches. It was the most smoke everyone ever saw, and soon the fire began to engulf the entire church. It was the worst fire the village ever saw, and sadly no one in the church made it out alive.

Ninety was now all by herself in this world, but she stayed determined to live her life fully. Those dark events make Ninety start believing in God. Ninety went off to get married and have children of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother; afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog “This” so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.

Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.

Egyptian Lockdown


The Egyptian government has become increasingly concerned about social unrest as a result of their lockdown so they have instructed all the taxi drivers in Cairo to drive round constantly sounding their horns.

The theory is that hearing the familiar sounds and noises of the city will induce a sense of tranquillity and normality to everyone’s daily lives.

The Government have said that operation ‘Toot N Calm Em’ will last for at least a week!

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Who has the time to be ‘Normal’?


A Man Died and Left His Son


A man died and left his son a fur coat and a million dollars. But to get the million dollars, the son had to meet a strange request. He had to make sure the coat did not lose any of its hairs for ten years. It had exactly one million hairs.

The son kept the coat in a special vault where only he could touch it. Once a year, for nine years, he went into that vault to count the hairs. And each year, he found every hair in place. …”Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five,” he counted. “Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six. Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-seven. Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight. Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. One million.”

At the end of the tenth year, he began counting the hairs for the last time. He could hardly wait to get it over with and to collect the money. But when he finished counting, he found that one hair was missing. He could not believe it. He was sure that he’d made a mistake.

“Nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five,” he counted. “Nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six. Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven. Nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight. Nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine- no, one, two, three, four, five….” “Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine!”

And that was all. One hair was still missing. The man was very upset, for now he would not inherit the million dollars. He moaned and groaned and shouted and screamed and wept great tears.

Finally he looked up. In a corner of the room was a little white moth, flying here and there. The man watched the moth for quite a while. Then he went over to it, and he asked, “Did you eat that hair?”

The moth said, “Yes, I ate it. It was a very good hair.” The man stared at the moth for a minute and said, ‘I am going to catch you, and then I will squash you and get back that hair.” He raised his arm and reached for the moth.

Have you ever heard a moth bawl?

The Late Capitalist Scummo Horror Show


Yoda Does Not Approve


It was a hot summer’s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the “Fourth of July.” He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie’s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in!

Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O. B. Juan’s kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

A Nasal Spray


Back in the middle ages there was a guy that had a parlor trick..

He would ask his friends to write down a year in the future on a piece of paper while he was blindfolded.

He would then sniff the paper, sniff the ink and sniff the hand of the writer and then make a prediction of what would happen in the future year.

He kept a record of all of these predictions made over many such sessions of sniffing the paper, ink and hand.

Amazingly, as time passed, his prophesies for each year turned out to be true.

The man’s name is lost to us in history, but, of course, we know him as NOSTRIL-DAMUS!!!

Breeding


Hoping to breed his female Cocker Spaniel, Gerald advertised for a male to service her. After a while the phone rang and the following exchange occurred.

“Good morning. I read your advertisement and I’ve got a healthy young Spaniel. Unfortunately I don’t have any pedigree papers for him.”

Gerald replied, “Don’t worry about that. Any Cocker dude’ll do.”

The Tongue and how it helps


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From Fake science
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Complex Carbohydrates


Is Hell Getting Hotter?


“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. We need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Charmaine Robinson during my second year in high school that “It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

Adapted from someone’s legendary Usenet post from 1997
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Pearls Before Swine