Category Archives: humour

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Déjeuner sur l’herbe avec Barnaby


A Sick One


A travelling salesman was opening up new territories in Africa. One day he fell ill.

Being a man of action, he sought immediate medical attention. Even though the only nearby facility was a witch doctor, he went to see the man.

The witch doctor looked him over, then cut a long, thin strip from a leather hide and gave it to the salesman, saying “Chew on this and by the time it’s all gone, you’ll feel better.”

As mentioned, the salesman was a man of action, so he spent the rest of the day chewing on the piece of leather. Nonetheless, he didn’t feel better, in fact, he felt worse.

So he went back to the witch doctor and said, “Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on!”

Another Genie


Benny worked at the Fahrvergnugen Museum, and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

“Master,” the genie began, “I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave again for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to live inside the urn forever.” Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account, which was promptly granted. Later he wished for the woman of his dreams, and he was married to her. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, which came to him, and he was regarded as a worldwide celebrity.

In the meantime, Benny’s beard became longer and longer, and it started to itch. He tried to ignore it, but with every passing year the itch got worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard once and for all. Having shaved it off, he lost everything he wished for, and instantly he was, himself, trapped in the urn to stay there forever.

After all, we do know that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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Sid and Sod #892


Old Mange


King Arthur sends Sir Lancelot out on an important mission to deliver a message to the king of Spain. It is a long distance, and Lancelot looks in the Kingdom for a good horse to take him there. His own horse is sick, and all he can find is an old mare, but, since he has to leave quickly, he takes the mare.

About 3 days out, Lancelot realizes his mistake. The horse gets tired and appears to be going lame. He finally makes it to a small village and goes to the Inn. He finds the Innkeeper and explains his problem. Which is that he needs a good horse so that he can fulfill his mission to deliver the message for the king. The Innkeeper replies that this is only a small village, and most of the horses around are not up to the task. He is welcome to look around, however, and if he can find anything, he is certainly welcome to it.

Lancelot looks around the village, and true as the Innkeeper has said, no good horse is to be found. As Lancelot is about to give up, he comes across a stable boy carting some feed. He asks the stable boy if there is any beast of burden in the village that he can use to fulfill his mission. The stable boy thinks for a minute, and starts to reply, “No”, but then says,”Go see if Old Mange in the barn can help you.”

Lancelot goes over to the barn expecting to find a horse, but what he finds is a very large, ugly dog dog — almost as large as a pony. The dog is a mess, however. It is mangy, parts of its fur are falling off, and it is full of fleas. Lancelot is desperate at this point, however, and he looks it over carefully. It does appear to be strong enough to take him to Spain (which is only 3 days away at this point).

Lancelot goes back to the Innkeeper, and acknowledges that he cannot find a horse in the village that he can use. He says, however that the dog, Old Mange, might be able to take him most (if not all) of the way to his destination. The Innkeeper hears this, stiffens up, and says, “Sir. You cannot have that beast. I wouldn’t send a Knight out on a dog like that.”

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Sid and Sod #888


A sad little tale


A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn’t reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man’s thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn’t affect Walter’s work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter’s size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared — the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.

“What’s the big idea? Eek!” One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can’t make ’em shrink.

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Despair Sets In


Why the Rapture has been Delayed


Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“You mean JC?”, responds the Alien. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.

Surprised, the Pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”

The Alien sees that the Pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

The Pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

The Alien says “Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?”

This day in science history: Leonardo da Vinci’s “helicopter”


January 14, 1493

Leonardo da Vinci is remembered as one of history’s most extraordinary artists and scientists. He even created that painting of a woman who almost smiled (it was hundreds of years until someone completely smiled in any work of art).

But his most misunderstood invention might be the “helicopter” he created.

Thanks to the journals of patron Lorenzo de Midici, we know the device’s true purpose.

Today, I took counsel with Leonardo, who showed me a proposal for a new creation that has sprung forth from his fertile mind. I have transcribed our discussion of it.

Midici: What wonder have you presented to me today, Leonardo?

Leonardo: My dear Lorenzo, it is the perfect spinner for pizza dough. You put the dough on the top and spin the base. The angle is perfection.

Midici: You’re joking.

Leonardo: No, my lord, the spinner creates a perfect thickness and circle for the dough.

Midici: Uh, I’m paying you for this? This is such a stereotypical Italian joke. This is like a joke the Flemish would make. You know how I feel about Flemland.

Leonardo: Uh, I was just kidding. I don’t love delicious pizza.

Midici: I’m not saying pizza’s bad, I’m saying that I fund your lavish lifestyle and I want something super cool. Just give me something war-like, and not offensive to Italians.

Leonardo: Fine. This pizza spinner doesn’t carry dough in the air.

Midici: What does it carry?

Leonardo: Steak?

Midici: I think you should go…

Leonardo: People! It carries people!

Midici: Amazing! I’m going to write this word for word in my journal now.

Leonardo’s helicopter never did fly, but years later, it inspired the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ favorite food: the pizza that Leonardo longed to create.

 

Fake Science

Weapons of War


Throughout the history of mankind, wars have been fought and often won by the army with better weapons. Rocks were superseded by spears and then spears were superseded by bows and arrows. Firstly there were long bows, followed by crossbows.

One King developed a weapon which could fire a hundred arrows at a time. It seemed a good idea on paper, a Hellish weapon, frightening in the extreme. Sadly it failed when it came to being used. It had a range of just over twenty paces. Far from creating terror on the battlefield, it was easily over run as it took longer to reload than it took the enemy to cross 20 paces.

One of the King’s courtiers disappeared from the castle for several months and when he returned he was arrested on sight for desertion. Hauled before the King, he pleaded for his life. He explained that he now had invented a new style of bowstring.

‘What is the use of that?’ thundered the King. ‘I need you here on the battlefield!’

The courier replied, ‘This new string will increase the range of your new bow. It is super stretchy and very very strong. It will give more power to your Hell Bow.’

 

Conservation and Renewal


There was an old man who lived in a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside in the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children planted a seed and grew a new one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

 

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Sid and Sod #886


WOOF


There once was a woman with 100 children ..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. First one One, second Two, ..and so on ..you get the idea.

She had her own church in the village. You ask why? Well how else would 101 people attend Sunday church service together? Not a church in any village nearby was big enough. So they had their own church with their own Priest and nuns and everything. Raised very religiously, all the children were true to the Lord, except for Ninety. Ninety did not believe in God, and the family had begun to live with it, hard as it was.

On one such bright and sunny Sunday, everyone set out to Church. Everyone but Ninety. The service began and everyone was humming and praying, until suddenly smoke emerged from under all the benches. It was the most smoke everyone ever saw, and soon the fire began to engulf the entire church. It was the worst fire the village ever saw, and sadly no one in the church made it out alive.

Ninety was now all by herself in this world, but she stayed determined to live her life fully. Those dark events make Ninety start believing in God. Ninety went off to get married and have children of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother; afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog “This” so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.

Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.

Egyptian Lockdown


The Egyptian government has become increasingly concerned about social unrest as a result of their lockdown so they have instructed all the taxi drivers in Cairo to drive round constantly sounding their horns.

The theory is that hearing the familiar sounds and noises of the city will induce a sense of tranquillity and normality to everyone’s daily lives.

The Government have said that operation ‘Toot N Calm Em’ will last for at least a week!