Category Archives: humour

I troped over my own feet

onceupunatimeredA bloke was walking along the street one day when he passed the local community hall and heard a burst of enthusiastic applause from within. He noticed a small handwritten sign on the door which said “Free Lecture – How to Succeed. All Welcome.” He entered the door and found himself in a room packed with people, bursting into spontaneous applause as they listened to the speaker on the stage. Standing at the back of the hall he was able to hear, in between rounds of cheering, that the speaker was describing how he was inspired watching an ant struggling to carry a piece of food many times its weight, and how, despite dropping it every few paces, it persevered until it reached its nest. “This ant,” he said, “so filled my heart with hope and courage that I decided to call it Phil, and use it as an example of what could be achieved …” but the rest of his speech was lost amidst thunderous applause. The cheering man next to the visitor turned and said, “Isn’t he great? He uses Phil as an example for almost everything.”

Puzzled, our friend ventured to ask who the speaker was. His neighbour’s jaw dropped and a look of surprise spread over his face. “Why, haven’t you heard of him? He’s Gill Bates, renowned around the world as a great Phil Ant tropeist.”

Out Of Time

onceupunatimeyellowThe cruise ship’s captain prided himself on the ship’s world class orchestra.

On one cruise a second violinist broke his arm and had to be replaced.

The captain auditioned a number of aspiring members at his next port of call,

He found a violinist who seemed to be perfect; wonderful technical ability and a great knowledge of the orchestra’s repertoire so he was hired and the ship sailed on.

It was only when he began to perform with his fellow players  that a problem was found. The new violinist could not keep time with the rest of the orchestra.

The passengers had to give up dancing as the rhythm was so disrupted!

Finally the captain said to his new player, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard.

It’s up to you: Sync or swim!”

Blessings From Above

onceupunatimeblueA woman in London was walking in the park with her house guest, a member of a Roman Catholic religious order.

Unfortunately one of the city’s many pigeons dropped its calling card on the visitor while flying overhead.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry!” the embarrassed Londoner said to her guest.

“Not to worry,” the good-humored sister replied as she dabbed with her handkerchief at the dropping on her habit. “It’s quite obvious that that pigeon was on a nun-stop flight.”

On Fire

onceupunatimeorange a young woman was driving along the highway attempted to light a cigarette, her sleeve caught fire.

She was able to stop the car and get out, but in her panic she just stood there flailing her arm helplessly.

A state patrol officer saw her, stopped, and gave her a ticket.

“What’s this for?” the injured woman cried as she blew out the flames.

“Brandishing a firearm,” the officer explained.

Earl Grey

onceupunatimepurplemany people assumed that Earl Grey tea got its name by being a favorite of that English earl.

In truth, the name originated in a small town in New South Wales named Earl Grey, where the citizens were getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office.

She was first elected in 1972, and she had run unopposed in every election since.

When her age began to hinder her from getting about, her constituents observed, “The Earl Grey mayor, she ain’t what she used to be.”

The Snorting Pachyderm

onceupunatimegreenIt seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.

The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?)

Finally, in desperation, the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers.

Yep! That’s what he gets for snorting quack.

The Treasurers

Conservative Treasurers of Australia; John Howard, Peter Costello, Joe Hockey and Scott Morrison walked into a bar.

The barman said, ‘If this is a joke, there can only be three of you.’

The Treasurers said, ‘There are.’