Category Archives: humour

Miss Aisles


When a aircraft flies above a certain altitude, the toilet holding tank fluid freezes onto the empennage, the tail surfaces, in large chunks of blue ice.

The stuff cakes up and eventually falls off and heads down.  Landing on any poor sod on the ground who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time..

Goes to show you.

You don’t need to be in a military target to be attacked by an icy BM.

 

Beer-Drinking Bunny


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’

The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.’

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it.’

The crowd’s bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’

‘Ok,’ says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves….

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, ‘Who are you?

To which he is answered,
‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’

The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’

The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’

The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’

The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’

The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’

‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.

‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’

After a short pause, the rabbit said …

‘Mixin-me-toasties’

 

(Thanks, Michael)

The Timberlake Disease


Justin Timberlake, for those who don’t know, was an American pop and R&B singer, songwriter, record producer, dancer, and actor. He came to fame as the lead singer of pop boy band ‘N Sync and has won four Grammy Awards as well as an Emmy Award.

He has since moved into the rarefied air of Celebratoryhood where he simply has to walk down the street to add to his fame.justin-timberlake

With all that success, there are rumours that his life may tragically be shortened by an unusual disease!

Back in 2005, Timberlake discovered that he was suffering from a throat condition. What his medical team referred to as “nodules” were subsequently removed from his throat.

But rumours have abounded that they were not the normal “nodules” we expect to find on the larynx?

Some people with inside knowledge claim they were cellulosiverous Isoptera?

Doctors have revealed that there is no need for general panic as this disease appears to be genetically confined to the Timberlake family and is, in general, unlikely to affect the majority of the population.

Isoptera would, in the long term, totally infest the Timberlake body and all his internal cellulose would be consumed by these small, white, parasitic little critters.

He could be eaten to death by termites!

How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?


Q: How many historians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: There is a great deal of debate on this issue. Up until the mid-20th century, the accepted answer was ‘one’: and this Whiggish narrative underpinned a number of works that celebrated electrification and the march of progress in light-bulb changing. Beginning in the 1960s, however, social historians lightbulbsincreasingly rejected the ‘Great Man’ school and produced revisionist narratives that stressed the contributions of research assistants and custodial staff. This new consensus was challenged, in turn, by women’s historians, who criticized the social interpretation for marginalizing women, and who argued that light bulbs are actually changed by department secretaries. Since the 1980s, however, postmodernist scholars have deconstructed what they characterize as a repressive hegemonic discourse of light-bulb changing, with its implicit binary opposition between ‘light’ and ‘darkness,’ and its phallogocentric privileging of the bulb over the socket, which they see as colonialist, sexist, and racist. Finally, a new generation of neo-conservative historians have concluded that the light never needed changing in the first place, and have praised political leaders like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher for bringing back the old bulb. Clearly, much additional research remains to be done.

Alcopops


onceupunatimeorange1The Baby Boomers were brought up to be healthy and eschew alcohol.

The Geezers fought in the Second World War, where courage often came from the bottle. So few remaining…

So what about the pre-Boomers/post-Geezers in between?

They would be the Boozers.

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Sid and Sod #844


sidsod844

From a Roman Wall #112


graphics-romans-528700‘Ave, Ave! Good morning!’ Zoophilus entered the Forum Cafeterium and  looked around. ‘Gratias tibi, Thank you.’ he said to the Barristerus, Nellus, taking his beaker of caffeinus. He went across to the tabula where his his friends were sitting.

‘What are you so cheerful about?’ asked the strangely grumpy Libertinus, the Roman man about town. Verbo Ipsum walked over to the counter to refresh his beaker of caffeinus.

‘I may be off on another voyage if negotiations go as well as I expect them to. Caesar wants some new exotic animals. What has upset you today?’

‘I was unable to get home last night so I had to stay at a caupona, a hotel. All night I was kept awake by strange noises. I’m certain they are haunted by a ghost!’

‘Is that the caupona next to the Temple of Mercury?’ asked Verbo as he returned to the tabula.

‘Why yes!’ exclaimed Libertinus. ‘How did you know?’

‘They have had that problem before and it is very hard to solve,’ said Verbo. ‘So yesterday they decided to fight fire with fire and called for an inn spectre.’