Category Archives: humor

But was it legal?


As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy. It just sat there, looking like a rock, but sometimes it lifted a lower edge and sucked in powdered sugar. That was all it ate. No one ever saw it move, but every once in a while, it wasn’t quite where people thought it was. There was a theory that it moved when no one was looking.

Bob Laverty had a heli-worm he called Dolly. It was green and carried on photosynthesis. Sometimes it moved to get into better light and when it did so it coiled its wormlike body and inched along very slowly like a turning helix.

One day, Jim Sloane challenged Bob Laverty to a race. ” My Teddy,” he said, “can beat your Dolly.”

“Your Teddy,” scoffed Laverty, “doesn’t move.”

“Bet!” said Sloane.

The whole crew got into the act. Even the captain risked half a credit. Everyone bet on Dolly. At least she moved.

Jim Sloane covered it all. He had been saving his salary through three trips and he put every millicredit of it on Teddy.

The race started at one end of the grand salon. At the other end, a heap of sugar had been placed for Teddy and a spotlight for Dolly. Dolly formed a coil at once and began to spiral its way very slowly toward the light. The watching crew cheered it on.

Teddy just sat there without budging.

“Sugar, Teddy, Sugar,” said Sloane, pointing. Teddy did not move. It looked more like a rock than ever, but Sloane did not seem concerned.

Finally, when Dolly had spiraled halfway across the salon, Jim Sloane said casually to his rockette, “if you don’t get out there, Teddy, I’m going to get a hammer and chip you into pebbles.”

That was when people first discovered that rockettes could read minds. That was also when people first discovered that rockettes could teleport.

Sloane had no sooner made his threat when Teddy simply disappeared from his place and reappeared on top of the sugar.

Sloane won, of course, and he counted his winnings slowly and luxuriously.

Laverty said bitterly, “You knew the damn thing could teleport.”

“No, I didn’t,” said Sloane, “but I knew he would win. It was a sure thing.”

“How come?”

“It’s an old saying everyone knows. … Sloane’s Teddy wins the race.”

Explosive, but Profitable Energy


Newly minted Opposition Leader, the kind, gentle and honest Peter Potat –  errr – Dutton, has solved the East Coast Energy Crisis which was evilly created by that caring socialist person Albo in his first week as Prime Minister.

Such a simple solution and it is so obvious.

Forget the Coal and Gas Lobbies which have greased (non-renewably) the Coalition pockets for a decade and switch to Nukular Energy. Such a sensible way forward. Overcome the energy cost crisis by implementing the most expensive form of energy on the planet.

We have been told for more than a decade that renewables are totally unreliable and coal is the answer to everything (one wonders how 42 comes in to the equation) because the sun doesn’t shine at night and the wind doesn’t always blow. Now it turns out this present emergency has been caused by coal fired power stations needing repair due to unreliability.

So there seems to be a major shift in lobby loyalty. I was told, early in my amateur investigative days, to always follow the money. I have attempted to do so yet always find it flying out of my pockets faster that I can refill them.

So I am now wondering if the Coalition ranks have stopped accepting payments in blackened bundles of brown paper coal bags and have begun accepting Iridescent Income, glowing with healthy radiation and just a few alpha rays.

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The Leader of Our Loyal Opposition


Who Creates The Wealth?


Thanks, Rich.

A Sick One


A travelling salesman was opening up new territories in Africa. One day he fell ill.

Being a man of action, he sought immediate medical attention. Even though the only nearby facility was a witch doctor, he went to see the man.

The witch doctor looked him over, then cut a long, thin strip from a leather hide and gave it to the salesman, saying “Chew on this and by the time it’s all gone, you’ll feel better.”

As mentioned, the salesman was a man of action, so he spent the rest of the day chewing on the piece of leather. Nonetheless, he didn’t feel better, in fact, he felt worse.

So he went back to the witch doctor and said, “Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on!”

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Scomo, Speaking in Tongues


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The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Welding


Another Genie


Benny worked at the Fahrvergnugen Museum, and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

“Master,” the genie began, “I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave again for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to live inside the urn forever.” Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account, which was promptly granted. Later he wished for the woman of his dreams, and he was married to her. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, which came to him, and he was regarded as a worldwide celebrity.

In the meantime, Benny’s beard became longer and longer, and it started to itch. He tried to ignore it, but with every passing year the itch got worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard once and for all. Having shaved it off, he lost everything he wished for, and instantly he was, himself, trapped in the urn to stay there forever.

After all, we do know that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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Sid and Sod #892


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Sid and Sod #891


Old Mange


King Arthur sends Sir Lancelot out on an important mission to deliver a message to the king of Spain. It is a long distance, and Lancelot looks in the Kingdom for a good horse to take him there. His own horse is sick, and all he can find is an old mare, but, since he has to leave quickly, he takes the mare.

About 3 days out, Lancelot realizes his mistake. The horse gets tired and appears to be going lame. He finally makes it to a small village and goes to the Inn. He finds the Innkeeper and explains his problem. Which is that he needs a good horse so that he can fulfill his mission to deliver the message for the king. The Innkeeper replies that this is only a small village, and most of the horses around are not up to the task. He is welcome to look around, however, and if he can find anything, he is certainly welcome to it.

Lancelot looks around the village, and true as the Innkeeper has said, no good horse is to be found. As Lancelot is about to give up, he comes across a stable boy carting some feed. He asks the stable boy if there is any beast of burden in the village that he can use to fulfill his mission. The stable boy thinks for a minute, and starts to reply, “No”, but then says,”Go see if Old Mange in the barn can help you.”

Lancelot goes over to the barn expecting to find a horse, but what he finds is a very large, ugly dog dog — almost as large as a pony. The dog is a mess, however. It is mangy, parts of its fur are falling off, and it is full of fleas. Lancelot is desperate at this point, however, and he looks it over carefully. It does appear to be strong enough to take him to Spain (which is only 3 days away at this point).

Lancelot goes back to the Innkeeper, and acknowledges that he cannot find a horse in the village that he can use. He says, however that the dog, Old Mange, might be able to take him most (if not all) of the way to his destination. The Innkeeper hears this, stiffens up, and says, “Sir. You cannot have that beast. I wouldn’t send a Knight out on a dog like that.”

We Will, We Will


Extreme Punishment


In medieval times there was a court jester whose wont was always to come up with the most atrocious puns.

This continued for months on end, whereupon the king lost his patience and sentenced the jester to be hanged.

The poor wretch was standing on the gallows with a rope around his neck when a messenger came riding posthaste from the castle, exclaiming, “Wait! The king has decided to spare the jester’s life, on condition that he never again tell another pun in public.”

At this, the jester smiled and beamed, then said, “No noose is good news!”

Raising Sons and Sheep


Alice Riley, widowed early in her marriage, carried on working her husband’s farm and for many years toiled at the arduous chores that go with raising sheep and cattle for market. Her spring lambs always brought really good prices at market.

As the years wore on, her three big sons took on more and more of the work until she was able to retire, watch the young men labor, rounding up the cattle and sheep, then selling them at ever increasing prices at the markets in Gunnedah. And the money rolled in.

One thing troubled her. In all those years she had never been able to think of a good name for the farm.

One day a neighbor suggested she call it “Focus.”

“Why Focus?” Alice asked.

“It seems obvious,” she was told, “because that’s where the sons raise meat.”

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Sid and Sod #890