Tag Archives: puns

Alcopops


onceupunatimeorange1The Baby Boomers were brought up to be healthy and eschew alcohol.

The Geezers fought in the Second World War, where courage often came from the bottle. So few remaining…

So what about the pre-Boomers/post-Geezers in between?

They would be the Boozers.

From a Roman Wall #107


wine_salesman_-_roman“Salve, Good Morning.” Zoophilus the explorer smiled as he took his morning beaker of steaming hot caffeinus from Nellus the Barristerus of the Forum Cafeterium. He moved over to where his friends were sitting.

The subject de jour, as the Gauls say, was food. And the tales were getting tastier.

Literatus the Librarian had just told of a habit the Britanii cannibals had of snacking on fish and chaps.

Libertinus, man about Rome added, “My friend came around for dinner last night. We ate for about twenty minutes, then he fainted again.”

Verbo Ipsum did his usual topping and commented, “I was at an exotic feast, a Hungi, from the fabled Southern Seas. Everyone was so hungry we had the pig roaster going full boar.”

The explorer quickly and quietly, for this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, stopped Verbo in his verbal tracks and gave him his just desserts, “I once ate an Indian dish so hot for that days afterwards I was in a Korma.”

roman graffiti

From a Roman Wall #104


graphics-romans-522569“Ave, good morning,” Literatus greeted Nellus.

“I’ll warn you now.” said the Barristerus of the Forum Cafeterium. “Verbo Ipsum is unusually talkative this morning.”

“What has got him to loosen his tongue today?” asked the Librarian.

“It seems that there was a bit of a disaster at the caupona, the inn, on the Via Sacra.” said Nellus. “Macellus Culina the cook has hurt himself.”

“Oh!,” replied Literatus. “My favourite food place. I’d better find out what happened.”

Taking his beaker of caffeinus  over to the tabula he asked Verbo what had happened.

“Macellus Culina slipped on some spilled olive oil in his kitchen. He fell very hard.” explained Verbo.

“So he has broken an arm or a leg?” asked Literatus.

“No. He bounced straight up but he had pulled down the shelf with all his cooking utensils. He started sorting out the mess.”

A rather puzzled Literatus asked the obvious question. “If he didn’t hurt himself in the fall, and he was able to pick up his knives and pots and so on, just what was the disaster?”

Verbo completed his story. “He won’t be cooking for a while. He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.”

roman graffiti

From a Roman Wall #90


romannellus1The Forum Cafeterium was quiet as it awaited its morning influx of customers.

At the counter Nellus the Barristerus was deep in conversation with the resident player opun words, Verbo Ipsum.

“Ok,” she said quietly. “I’ve got my line. When is the cue?”

“I’ll give you a wink at the right time.” replied Verbo.

At that moment Libertinus entered the cafeterium. Nellus barely stopped herself from simpering as she handed him his beaker of steaming caffeinus. Luckily for her more customers began arriving and she busied herself handing out the caffeinus she was so famous for. Then watched as the Citizens moved to their tabula and sat.

“So how is your pursuit of Nellus going, Libertinus?” asked Verbo breaking the unspoken code of silence on the matter.

“Oh, Um. You know.” stammered Libertinus as the others pretended very hard not to be listening.

“So you’re not just lounging around?” asked Verbo innocently. Everyone at the tabula looked elsewhere, disguising their interest but with wide-open ears.

“Oh no. Not at all.” declared Libertinus emphatically.

Verbo Ipsum replied, “I guess that means, so far, so good.”

Then he winked at Nellus who added her lines, “Couch me if you can, but before that you need to chaise me.”

roman graffiti

God and Puns


Reverently burgled from I Am your God

Music


5chopin

Today’s Stock Market Report


Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.