A Cleaning Cheat Sheet for Men…

* Broom (brum) – a long handled brush used for sweeping (also doubles as a mode of transportation for your mother)

* Vacuum (vak’ u em) – much like the leaf blower except it sucks in, instead of blowing out. Don’t let this alarm you. It isn’t broken and doesn’t need more torque, speed, RAM or whatever it is you did to the dishwasher.

* Dust pan (DUH) – Contrary to popular belief, this is where you sweep the dirt, not under the hallway area rug.

* Dust Cloth (dust kloth) – A cloth designated for removing tiny particles of dirt from every flat surface of the house. Hint: look for your old “lucky shirt”.

* Bucket (buk’ it)- Cylindric container used for holding soapy water when mopping the floor. Also known as your mid-evil knight helmet when you’re playing with our seven-year-old.

* Mop – (mop) a bundle of coarse yarn, rags or cloth fastened at the end of a stick. You’ll remember this as your dance partner at the New Year’s Eve party last year.

* Toilet Brush (toi’ lit brush) – Used for scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl. I don’t care what this looks like, you may NOT use my shower luffa again!

* Oven Cleaner (uv’ en Klen’ er) – No, not the teenager. This is an actual product that you buy, spray in the oven and wipe out two hours later. You won’t need your welder’s mask for this task, but if it makes you feel more dangerous, go ahead.

* Sponge (spunj) – used to gently wash away food particles from dinnerware. It won’t be necessary to use your 300psi Power wash set. That was given to you in hopes of cleaning the EXTERIOR of the house (hint hint).

* Squeegee (skwe’ je) – Same principle as washing the car windshield, and yes, real men DO squeegee!

Final Note:
While Duct tape may be a wonderful plumbers aid, it’s really not the best solution for keeping the bathroom towels in place, and Jamie’s teacher is still asking why his homework was stuck to his forehead last week. For these reasons, I have hidden the duct tape and distributed your picture to the local hardware stores. Don’t make me call Duct Tape Anonymous again.

Take your time, everything will be fine. If you need me, I’ll be in the basement cleaning up the smoke damage from your “do it yourself” electrical rewiring incident last week.

CLEANING OUT

A blog-friend is moving house and so is setting out to reduce the clutter.

I wish her luck. Buff and I once tried that.

I wrote one of my silly versicals, from Buff’s point of view, because of that.

We cleaned out our wardrobes today
All the old stuff must go,
With all good intentions,
If it’s no use it can’t stay!

If I wore this old dress, it’d burst!
It’ll never fit again
I wore it to that dance
The one where I met you first!

And this scruffy old coat was from then –
The days before we had met
When . . . . but never mind that.
If I lose some weight it may fit me again.

Those old football boots are cracked and dry.
You’ll never play again
And you weren’t very good
But how I loved to watch you try.

Oh look – here is that T-shirt you wore
When we took that trip away.
That and my sapphires
Are the mementoes from Singapore.

And this long velvet dress – Matron of Honour, I was,
At your brother’s wedding.
We, all four, are now such true friends.
I might keep it this time, just because.

Look – lets leave this chore today
The lawn must be mowed
And the ironing done
And most of this stuff here can stay!