The Man Who Loved Tractors

Once there was a guy who loved tractors. They were his favorite thing in life, but he had never actually seen one, only looked at pictures. His lifetime goal was to see a tractor, but he thought that it would be impossible. He was wrong.

So one morning he wakes up to the honking of his tractor alarm clock. He gets out of his tractor bed, and puts his feet into his tractor slippers, and walks to the bathroom. He uses the tractor toilet, and washes his hands in the tractor sink with his tractor soap. Then he goes downstairs. He opens up his tractor cupboard and gets out a tractor bowl, a tractor spoon, and some cereal. Then he opens his tractor fridge and gets out some milk. He prepares his cereal and eats it at his tractor table. Then he washes the dishes in his tractor sink. He puts on his tractor shirt, tractor underwear, tractor pants, tractor socks, tractor shoes, and a tractor tie then brushes his teeth with a tractor toothbrush and then leaves for work.

When he comes home from work, he instantly takes off his tractor shoes. “It’s good to be back from that stupid fucking office job!” He murmurs. “I wish I could quit and become a farmer.” He walks to the tractor freezer and takes out some meatloaf. He puts it on a tractor plate, sits down on his tractor couch and eats while watching a tractor documentary. Then he drinks coffee from his tractor mug while reading his favorite newspaper, the Tractor Daily. It had articles talking about tractor colors, the right types of wheels and engines for your tractor, and who got a new tractor that day. He has no idea why it’s free! After he finishes, he goes upstairs and changes into his favorite tractor pajamas and gets into bed. He’s too tired to brush his teeth. As he snuggles under the covers with his tractor plushie, he dreams about seeing a real tractor.

This happens day after day after day. He’s getting really sick of this stupid boring life, and is aching for some change it arrives one night, as he’s reading the Tractor Daily on his tractor couch in his tractor pajamas. He’s flicking through boring article after boring article when suddenly he sees one that makes him stop. Apparently, on Saturday, there will be a tractor fair in his town, with real tractors! And that’s tomorrow! He immediately faints onto his tractor carpet. When he awakens, he does a little happy dance around the room. He goes and washes himself very carefully in his tractor tub with tractor soap and tractor shampoo and conditioner. When he’s done, he brushes his teeth with a tractor toothbrush and goes to sleep. That night, he dreams about the tractor fair.

It’s very early when he wakes up the next morning. It’s still dark outside as he brushes his hair and teeth over and over. When he’s done, he puts on his best tractor undies, and his best tractor shirt, and his best tractor pants, and his best tractor tie, and his best tractor shoes and socks, and his best tractor jacket. Then he runs downstairs and tries to eat some waffles, but he’s too excited to eat anything. He puts them in the tractor fridge for later, and goes out to his car. As he drives to the tractor fair, he listens to his favorite song, Tractoring Through Life. He finally gets there. It’s not even 8 yet, and the fair starts then. To kill time, he gets some coffee at a nearby cafe. Then he sees it. Only a couple of yards away. A REAL TRACTOR!!! He’s so excited! He runs over and starts to touch it, ignoring the do not touch sign. Then he starts to kiss it because no one else’s is there yet. Finally he decides: “Oh, why don’t i drive it? What’s the difference between driving a tractor and a car?” Turns out, a lot. By the time he manages to stop the tractor, he’s run over five people and has hit at least ten buildings. As he stands there getting fined by a cop, he says: “Tractors made me do this. From now on, I hate tractors!” Which is extremely stupid, because of what he’s wearing.

To drown his sorrows, he goes to a bar. As he drinks his third beer, these men come in smoking. Instantly, he inhales the smoke and spits it out the window. One asks incredulously: “How did you do that?”

The man slurs: “Oh, I’m an ex-tractor fan!”

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