The Australian Drought Summit

Prime Minister’s Office; Drought Emergency Summit

PM; Well Gladys, what are we going to do to help your farmers?


PM; I know there are problems in Queensland. Annastacia but the New South Wales seats are much more important to me.

More Mutters

PM; Oh Shut up Daniel. Victoria voted for your ALP Government and so they deserve all they get! This idea of a drought proofing may just hold things back for a while. It won’t help anyone now but, maybe, in the future.
Now, what have you got to say about the length of this Drought, Alan? You’re the chief scientist so we are relying on you.

Alan Finkel; Well, Prime Minister, we have been trying to explain about this climate change thing the whole world is suffering from.

PM; Don’t go bringing that furphy up again, Alan. You know we can’t do anything about it, and even if we could we couldn’t. Gina and Adani wouldn’t let us, not to mention all the energy companies.

AF; But that is the point, Prime Minister. Most of the energy companies want to dump coal and move to renewables.

PM; But those companies don’t count. They do not contribute to our re-election.

AF; But that is the point. If they can chan- –

PM; That is off the subject. How long will this drought last for?

AF; With no renewables action, probably a decade, maybe two. The situation is not going to improve much in the next 50 years.

Gladys Berejiklian; How soon will things be fixed if we change over to renewables now? How much faster will the drought be over?

AF; It won’t change. It is too late. There will be occasional wet years but climate change is just that! A change in the climate.

GB; So it is no use doing anything at all? Why weren’t we told all this when we could have made a difference?

AF; Governments were told. Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard tried to make a change but failed.

PM; So it is Labor’s fault again. Daniel and Anna, why not learn a lesson and follow our lead? Everything would have been OK. Alan, we were told that the oceans would rise and so I have now got quite a bit of land in the Blue Mountains. Why weren’t we told about the drought?

AF; You were! You just didn’t listen.

PM; So how bad will it get, Alan?

AF; Civilisation will crumble. World population will plummet, and there will be mass movements of people away from the worst hit areas.

Daniel Andrews; Which will be the worst hit areas, Alan?

AF; India, China, South East Asia, Europe, North and South America. All of them will be in extreme distress and people will be moving elsewhere.

Annastacia Palaszczuk; So where will they move?

AF; To the less affected areas, of course. They will all become Climate Refugees. They will run from drought, rising sea levels. There will be wars over water and wars over shrinking land.

PM; So there will be more refugees? Just as well we have a strong Border Force. Look, Alan, we were told about rising sea levels. All this drought and refugee stuff is what we pay you to warn us about and you haven’t told us!

AF; We have been tryi- –

PM; Sorry Alan, you will have to be the scapegoat. Along with Labor. A pity you never explained that you are a Labor mole. You’re fired! This meeting is closed!

Uproar as the summit people leave the room.

The PM picks up the phone; Rupert, what do I do now? All that land I bought up in the mountains won’t keep me safe from the ravening refugees.

Rupert Murdoch; Sorry? To whom am I speaking?

PM; It’s me! The Prime Minister of Australia. You helped me into this position. What am I going to do? How do we get out of this dilemma?

RM; Oh, It’s you. Sorry, I thought I was talking with someone important. Go and pray in your Church. You are not on the list of those to be saved.

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