A Handful of Puns

I just heard that the Pope had to have a new robe made out of royal purple material. It was also electrically heated so as to keep him warm during his outdoor addresses to the faithful following.

It’s called the purple papal heater.

The Mafia don did a good job of hiding his mob affiliation and giving the appearance of being an ordinary fellow. He had just one peculiarity: Since he couldn’t stand a cold nose, he wore a knitted nose-warmer in chilly weather.

When the FBI at last picked him up, he was amazed and asked, “How did you know?”

“We could tell.”


“Your cozy nostril.”

Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding. The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.

The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do.

“All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and listen to the wedding song.” She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat…

“Aisle, altar, hymn.” “Aisle, altar, hymn.” “Aisle, altar, hymn.”

A few years ago, when the big quake hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in from out of state. When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they rejected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-fault policy.

Angry about the insurance company’s decision, the policyholder tried to start a citizen’s organization to fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called it the San Andreas Fund.

However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, … “Beggars can’t be cruisers.”

One response to “A Handful of Puns

  1. Ohhhh no! No, no, no … please don’t do this to me. We’ve been married for too many years to start telling me now that you are completely Certifiable! It’s not fair … 😦


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