101 Uses For A John Howard #100

Alas, once again the fuzzy little ewoks are in terrible danger.

Kudelka has written the script for Star Wars Episode 7!


Sure, a clone army of Cultural Stormtroopers is nice to have, but no Dark Lord of the Sith is complete without an invincible space station with which to destroy entire planets in a peremptory fashion. John W. Vader took delivery of his fully operational Death Senate after the 2004 election.Sadly, “fully operational” is never quite the case with your average Death Star. They never work properly and they’re always back in the shop. A particular problem with this one was a persistent squeak in the Barnaby Joyce, which is impossible to get parts for.

Nonetheless, it’s a good life being a Dark Imperial Overlord with the power to choke recalcitrant minions with a mere wiggle of the fingers. The black outfit, while not as comfy as the tracksuit, lends a certain gravitas and also makes you impossible to dack.
Until now, it’s been a bit of a doddle. Recent opponent, Kim Jabba the Beazley didn’t move very fast and nobody could understand what he was saying without subtitles. Chewbacca Latham howled a lot but ended up making a monkey of himself and that other chap Jar Jar Crean was quickly relegated to a non-speaking role for obvious reasons.

However, there’s a New Hope on the horizon. A young hero Kev Skywalker has appeared out of nowhere with a tousled mop of blonde hair. There’s also that Princess Gillard with the weird hairdo, but apparently her boyfriend’s a hairdresser.

Anyway, Darth Howard’s still got one ace up his sleeve. At the appropriate moment, he will reveal his terrible secret, Kevin… I am your father.

…which pretty much explains everything.

One response to “101 Uses For A John Howard #100

  1. Nooooooo … this means we’re in for another (gasp) Dynasty!!!

    I thought the American experiences with horticultural stuff had cured most thinking people of trying to follow this path!

    I think most of us would realise that it would just be another Howard lie! One of so many he has told us.


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