M & M’s

Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the sweet as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two M&M’s between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, an M&M that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives
the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1 Kilo bag of M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.

From a field of hundreds, we will discover the true champion.

There can be only one!

10 responses to “M & M’s

  1. You are joking? If you are not joking …. how come I didn’t see any of them???!


  2. Lyndon Marcotte

    That is freakin hilarious. Thanks.


  3. Pingback: The M&M Wars « Words Less Spoken

  4. Buff, I tested them all very quickly – the winner was brown!

    Lyndon, my pleasure 🙂


  5. I used to pair up my M&M’s into couples… and eat the single ones… 🙂

    Great story, here! ROFL!!


  6. mags, cool – you left the pairs to breed ?


  7. are you serious? haha. this was funny.


  8. kkkkatieee, of course it is serious. The archive is always serious! You shouldn’t laugh at the misfortunes of the poor M’nMs which are eaten before they can breed.


  9. Just curious – is the breeding of our fine dual winners causing the incredible influx of minis?
    Has anyone tested the new genetics of M&Ms producing word captions of one’s choice?


  10. Barbara, Yes, and those “mini’s” will grow up to be fine upstanding M&M’s. I do hope you are not one of those unfeeling people who stop their growth by ingesting them.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.