M & M’s

Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the sweet as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two M&M’s between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, an M&M that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives
the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1 Kilo bag of M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.

From a field of hundreds, we will discover the true champion.

There can be only one!

10 responses to “M & M’s

  1. You are joking? If you are not joking …. how come I didn’t see any of them???!

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  2. Lyndon Marcotte

    That is freakin hilarious. Thanks.

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  3. Pingback: The M&M Wars « Words Less Spoken

  4. Buff, I tested them all very quickly – the winner was brown!

    Lyndon, my pleasure 🙂

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  5. I used to pair up my M&M’s into couples… and eat the single ones… 🙂

    Great story, here! ROFL!!
    🙂

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  6. mags, cool – you left the pairs to breed ?

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  7. are you serious? haha. this was funny.

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  8. kkkkatieee, of course it is serious. The archive is always serious! You shouldn’t laugh at the misfortunes of the poor M’nMs which are eaten before they can breed.

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  9. Just curious – is the breeding of our fine dual winners causing the incredible influx of minis?
    Has anyone tested the new genetics of M&Ms producing word captions of one’s choice?

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  10. Barbara, Yes, and those “mini’s” will grow up to be fine upstanding M&M’s. I do hope you are not one of those unfeeling people who stop their growth by ingesting them.

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