The Bloke in the Pub #5

Hey, How’re they hanging, Arch?

Didja hear that Abbott guy I really dislike is not liked by many people at all. Yesterday I said he was as popular as a fart at a funeral and it seems a hundred thousand people agree with me. 97% reckon he is a liability.

Hang on, mate. The missus is on the dog and bone. Yeah? Oh. Well that’s a shame. I’ll save a couple of slices for you. Seeya.

Seems she has to head out tonight. One of her girlfriends has a bit of a problem. Shame she won’t be able to have any pizza.

Anyway, I cannot figure out this Barnett character. Here we are, big huge ginormous mineral boom. No money in the coffers as he keeps telling us yet he is building a billion dollar stadium, spending billions on light rail and now he is doing more billions on the Tonkin Highway out in Kewdale. Yeah, yeah, it may well be money he intends to rake in over the next few years but I keep being told by Hockey that the boom is over. So where will Barnett get all this cash? Or is it all election lies?

Another beer? Thanks, Arch. The pizza? Oh, I’m planning my halapeno and salami special.

The toad has come up with another blogpost which should only be read while chewing prozac. He really is a bastard who thinks women are incapable of any thought at all. He would take the vote away from them if he could. And he won’t let anyone comment unless they agree with him.

Hey, gotta run but have you seen that South Australia is cutting its power bills by 9%? Wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that most of their power is from wind farms. Cuts out the Carbon Price rise. Whyalla will survive. Amazing what a Labor Government can do. Oops. Not “Can do” I mean “is able to do”!

Gotta go. I have to add the vindaloo powder to the pizza base.

Catch you tomorrow. Unless you want to come over for some pizza?  Oh. Shame, that.

Johnny Depp Has Tummy Rumbles

Calculus

“Taking mathematics from the beginning of the world to the time of Newton, what he has done is much the better half.”
– Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, co-discoverer of calculus

“If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.”
— Isaac Newton, the other discoverer of calculus

“If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.”
— Hal Abelson, MIT Professor

Many years ago I was advised by school career advisors that my mind was more set towards Science and Mathematics than towards Writing and Literature. So I gave up studying literature, took up reading Science Fiction and enrolled for several semesters of Calculus.

I can only say, The Calculus is evil, it is not of God. It is evil. And I washed out.
Perhaps that is what led me into a delightfully carefree wasted life of  debauchery and sin and pizzas.

So, from an old man, with a much regretted youth, a little of the advice for which old men are notorious for giving to young men.

Remind you all not to drink alcohol while doing calculus.

Do not do as I did.

One should not drink and derive.

The EWWWWW Factor Diet

Here at the Archive we are subject to a continual barrage of encouragement nagging to lose a few Kilos.

I do know I need to take 10 or 20 a few centimetres off the old waistline and I have adapted my diet in some small ways.

I invented the Pizza diet

I tried the Low GI diet, but all the GI’s I know are too tall.

I tried a modified Atkins diet. I have increased the percentage of protein without reducing the quantity of Carbs.

I have even tried the exercise thing. Lightly and with much recovery time and a few beers to avoid dehydration.

However, there are some lengths to which I will not go!

No, Nurse Myra, I will not be sending off for these!

Julius Caesar

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar (so, of course, this post is in Imperial Purple) turned his attention from his wood-fired olive, ham and mozzarella pizza and wondering what to do with some romaine lettuce, croutons, parmesan cheese, lemon juice, olive oil, Worcestershire sauce, an egg and some black pepper, to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry.

Getting all those white togas cleaned of the constant pizza stains was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor… not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin’s arrow.

He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga’s in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago… the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga’s out to dry.

He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch.

The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place.

After finishing his pizza and tossing his salad to the side, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there.

Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: . . .

“Beware, the tides of starch.”

Pizza Delivery in 2010

We all love our pizza here in the blogoswamp.

It isn’t really fast food but the Pizza Stores have found a way around that problem.

They deliver. Right to your door.

Last time I phoned for Dial-a-Pizza, in the box with the dots I dialed their number.

They told me my phone number. I was then told where the pizza would be delivered. My home address.

Now customers can order from some stores imply by going to their website. They are becoming fully computerised.

That is why I find this to be quite a worry. Believable, but a worry. Not only for Americans.

I had dialed up in a small country town in far-away Western Australia.

Food Pornography

What does a blogger do as the day begins to wind down and dinner time approaches?

When the mouth begins to water for the taste of something delicious?  The tummy begins to discretely rumble?

I found the answer very early in my blogging career.

I visit the Food Pornographer for food at its porniest. I admit to drooling and craving and illicit desires in the privacy of my own lap-top.

She photographs and describes food which she has taste-tested.  Not just high end restaurant delectables but take-away lunches, home cooking and anything else which is edible. I have even spotted offerings from the Golden Arches on her blog. Being a fellow Perth person, I recognise many of the places she  mentions in her reviews.

The only problem is that sometimes her blog takes a while to load because I am on dial-up.

Anyway, I’m off to commit some self-abuse, of a gastronomic nature, on her site. Then I shall probably create a cheese and parsley omelette for my dinner.

Five Eateries

The in-es and es timable Bill Blunt, has, quite bluntly, tagged me in an “Eateries” meme.

He has given me the task of nominating five of my favourite nosheries.

I do not eat out in lots of places and some of those I do eat in are places where I enter with my cap pulled down over my face and with a decided slouch which serves to disguise me from those who would mock my choices of food.

Such an approach is used when I enter beneath the famous Golden Arches. I am addicted to Bacon and Egg sandwiches. “Maccas” has an acceptable substitute in their B&E McMuffins. Then there are the Hotcakes which are delicious with their fake maple syrup but which I also deny ever eating! Never.

Then there is the eatery on the beach at Scarborough. Scarborough, Western Australia. It has been making hamburgers since 1953. It has added many strange European and Middle Eastern dishes over the decades. Souvlaki, Kebabs and other indecently named foods. In amongst this confusing menu remains the original 1953 hamburger. It is not until you taste it again that you realise just how debased the large burger chains have become.

Subway must rate a mention as it is the only establishment which attempts to keep my weight at an acceptable level. Their 6 inch Club is quite edible when smothered in olives. Which raises another thought – - -

Bruno’s is a pizzaria in Port Hedland and serves some very good Italian food.

While I enjoy eating out, I find it much more satisfying to prepare some of my special dishes in my own kitchen.

I have to tag five new people to continue this meme and so I tag

The sophisticated azahar

The urbane Andrew Goulding

The delightfully eccentric Rocksnsucks

The indecently remote Envelope Filter

And finally, the erratically liberal Former Frontier Editor

Decoy

 I have the dreaded lurgi and so am not in a position to think coherently. I don’t even feel able to eat Pizza.

Today you get one measley cartoon. Hopefully, normal magazine-type service will be resumed tomorrow.

I’m a Transvestite Deity

Lightfingered from raincoaster – - -

 

And now I’m a Deity in drag!

 

 

Bast, Perfumed Protector, Cat Goddess

Which God or Goddess are you like? Your Result: Goddess Bast 81% You are the Goddess Bast. You are quiet and calm, but when need be, you are firm and fierce. You are full of love, and you always care. People often come to you for advise or guidance, and you willingly give it. Congatulations!! You are Goddess!!
You are your own God or Goddess	74%
Goddess Sekhemet	74%
Jesus	66%
The Christian God	41%
God Zeus	41%
Satan	41%

And I don’t even LIKE cats!

Now I iz won

Carnival of the Mundane

I was issued a personal and private invitation to a Carnival of the Mundane (Friday 11th May 2007 Carnival XXXV). This invite was only issued to another 70,999,999 people. I have never been to a Blog Carnival before and was not sure what to expect.

Mist1 is a clever wordsmith, a lover of vodka and a loser of panties. As hostess, she put together  a wonderful group of diverse blogs. It certainly boosted the visitors to my most mundane posting on fonts.

Go visit some of them, you may find a new friend or two. Or three.

The only problem I found was that there was no pizza!

Hot Flushes or Bright Flashes?

It seems raincoaster has had a crappy day. She is not the only one.

The BBC has reported that a woman (of a certain age) added dog excreta to her husband’s curry!

Jill Martin, 47, pleaded guilty at Paisley Sheriff Court to culpable and reckless conduct against husband Donald Martin. During the hearing, defence solicitor Terry Gallanagh likened the case to “an episode of Desperate Housewives”.

Depute Fiscal Margaret Dunnipace told the court that on 13 March, after placing the dinner in front of her husband Donald and watching him start to eat it, Martin had burst out laughing. At first she claimed she had laced the dish with arsenic but then confessed she had added dog excrement instead.

The court heard that the couple had been married for 21 years but in recent years their relationship “had hit an all time low”.

I wonder just how much lower the relationship could go – - -

I, for one, will be closely watching any pizza which  is served to me.

What Am I Doing Here?

Shhhhh – be very very quiet.

I’ve snuck into the office to use the satellite internet connection. It means I can post some photos.

 Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Here is the shop I am managing. Or mis-managing.

 Not that there is a lot of stock on the shelves at the moment. A new order is being prepared but whether the truck can get across the flooded rivers and boggy roads is in the lap of the Gods. 

Fruit and Veg is almost a long lost dream. A few cabbages, two half celery’s and some wrinkly capsicum remain. Potatoes and onions sold out last week and oranges and apples disappeared just as I arrived.

Milk is now powdered as the fresh milk has sold out.

As have the bread and the eggs almost all of the breakfast cereal. Fruit Juice and soft drink will be gone by Wednesday this week.

At least there is still plenty of meat and for some reason we have an abundance of frozen Ham and Pineapple pizzas. We also have a few boxes of frozen Kangaroo Tails, a delicacy amongst the locals.

I am fast learning how to prepare for shortages. I am making sure my own pantry is stocked up with essentials.

Of course, if the truck cannot get through, we will resort to the good old standby.

An Airforce Hercules Airdrop.

It will be fun chasing those parachutes as they float away in the breeze.

The time scale here seems to be flexible. I may be here for another fortnight or a month or even another two months.

 My Bank Manager will love me if it is another two months!

I only hope that by then I will still have some readers here on the weirdest blog in the blogoswamp.

Apologies to my Readers

I must apologise to all my readers who have commented during the past fortnight. I have been unable to reply because my internet connections have been so slow that replying would take far too long. And I do have to work for a living here, as well. How horribly unfair!

What I can do is try to post an occasional image of the area where I am currently living.

Here is a road sign I found about 70Km from here.  It is out beyond Balfour Downs, for those Aussies who are interested. A five hour drive from Newman, across creeks and mud.

And here is the hill which overlooks the community. Taken at sunset with the sun breaking through after being hidden for most of the day. Containing quite a good percentage of Uranium it is rumoured to be the cause of the little sparkles in the water!

So, loyal and valued readers, I will keep trying to post when I can, but please forgive me for not being as good a blogger as I would wish. Another fortnight or maybe a month and normal service will be resumed when I return to civilisation.

I may try to get a pizza delivered this weekend – - -

The Ultimate Couch Potato Accessory

From the erudite pages of “The Australian”, home of the antipodean neo-cons, comes this story of the sports-loving male must-have gadget of the year.

DUKE UNIVERSITY, North Carolina: A US inventor has come up with the ultimate sport-viewing accessory – a fridge that throws cold cans of beer to fans who are too lazy to get off the couch.
John Cornwell spent three months and $2500 perfecting the Beer Launching Fridge, which is activated by a remote control that sets off a lift mechanism in the fridge.

The lift delivers the can to an electronic catapult, which rotates until it is lined up with its thirsty target.

It then hurls the beer up to 3.5m to the drinker.

It can hold a full 24-can carton.

See the fridge in action here at metacafe.

Now for an automatic pizza delivery system.