A New Page on My Blog


A little over a year ago I posted a limerick novel in four parts.

The Ballad of Daffyd and Sir Ffrank.

I have been looking at putting all the “Perth’s Past” postings onto a page in this blog and I suddenly realised I had neglected to do this with the Tale of Daffyd.

So now I have. At the top of the archive there is now a tab bearing the inscription “Daffyd and Sir Ffrank”

There may be one or two new readers who will find some enjoyment in reading a fairy dragon tale.

Bollards


I have been fascinated by bollards for some years now.

Ever since I since someone using my name had an extremely “R” rated encounter with a group of limericists a number of years ago.

bollards.jpg

The Wombat – a limerick


The Australian Wombat weaves
A legend of what he achieves
When out on a date
With a wombatty mate.
He always eats roots shoots and leaves.

Muggles


Having finished the Potter septology, a small thought -

We muggles should really be glad
Magicians have their private pad
To practice their magic
On monsters pelagic
Or wizards whose spelling is bad.

A wand will not put up a struggle
And dragon eggs easy to juggle
Beware of a jinx
And nasty bad finks
Who pick on an innocent muggle

The Ultimate Couch Potato Accessory


From the erudite pages of “The Australian”, home of the antipodean neo-cons, comes this story of the sports-loving male must-have gadget of the year.

DUKE UNIVERSITY, North Carolina: A US inventor has come up with the ultimate sport-viewing accessory – a fridge that throws cold cans of beer to fans who are too lazy to get off the couch.
John Cornwell spent three months and $2500 perfecting the Beer Launching Fridge, which is activated by a remote control that sets off a lift mechanism in the fridge.

The lift delivers the can to an electronic catapult, which rotates until it is lined up with its thirsty target.

It then hurls the beer up to 3.5m to the drinker.

It can hold a full 24-can carton.

See the fridge in action here at metacafe.

Now for an automatic pizza delivery system.

Illustrated Limerick (20) – Thoughtful


lim20.jpg

Ok, Ok, so I was feeling a bit down when I wrote this. Seven and a half years later, I guess I did see that summer, and a few since.

It’s all good.

“Tom Swift” Limericks


I recently visited Jumping at the Ground and Missing and was delighted to find reference to Good Old Tom Swift. When I was keeping bad company, umm, let me rephrase that. Since I have begun keeping bad company I write and collect limericks. Limericks and Tom Swifts seem to go together rather well.

So here is a collection of “Tom Swifts”. Limericks which are built around a “self-referential” pun. None of them were written by me and, although I have recorded the writers in another place, I don’t feel it is necessary to give individual attributions here. After all, once created, good limericks move into the public, oral domain. Nevertheless, thank you, Ericka, Peter, Tiddy, Cybe, Travis and Hugh.

Some of these limericks are possibly not quite required reading for the younger generation so I am going to put them “over the fold” Continue reading

Illustrated Limerick (19) – The Illustrator


lim19.jpg

Boris Vallejo, of course.
Letting us into his mind
You can find lots more of his work at
Boris’s own web site

Illustrated Limerick (18) – Very Bad!


 I admit to being guilty of breaking the Rules twice in this one. Two words invented for rhyming purposes. That makes it a very bad limerick!

lim18.jpg

Illustrated Limerick (17)


Alain Chartier

Alain Chartier – 1903
This painting depicts the story of Margaret of Scotland who is said to have kissed the lips of Alain Chartier (a 14th century French poet) while he was sleeping in her palace, to honour, she said “the mouth which elicited so many virtuous words”.
by 
Edmund Blair Leighton

Illustrated Limerick 16 – More Marine Biology


seahorse giving birth

Illustrated Limerick (15) – A Little Marine Biology


Among seahorses, only the male becomes pregnant. The female seahorse deposits eggs into the male’s brood pouch, where they are fertilized by the male. The young seahorses develop in the father’s pouch. The gestation period for seahorses ranges from 10 days up to 60 days, depending upon the species. The young seahorses are 1.5 centimeters (a little more than half an inch) long and are born fully formed.

Seahorse

Illustrated Limerick 14 – even naughtier


Viewing all those old Illustrated Limericks has finally inspired me and here is the first new effort for about three years. Vargas, of early Playboy fame, is again to blame.

vargas limerick

 

Limericks – How To


W. S. Baring-Gould wrote a learned treatise named “The Lure of the Limerick” which was published in 1968 by Panther books. In it he noted several facts which I must bring to my reader’s (note the position of the apostrephical).
Firstly,

There once was a sculptor named Phidias
Whose manners in art were invidious:
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie,
Which startled the ultra-fastidious!

Those ultra-fastidious should refrain from reading any further! They will be not only startled but also disturbed and shocked.

Secondly,

The limerick’s an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex;
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgin’s
And vulgar erotic effects.

Thirdly,

Women have the same aversion to limericks as calves do to cookbooks.

And so, just in case I still have a Reader, I shall continue.

We all know a limerick when we see one. It is a simple five lined poem (usually unrepeatable). Oh yes, two of the middle lines are shorter. A real expert may have noticed a rhyming pattern of “a,a,b,b,a”.

The other thing we notice about limericks is that they trip off the tongue.

“Two fries and a hash brown to go, some hotcakes and syrup I’ll stow with three nice big Macs in takeaway sacks. Now how much for this do I owe?

Is that with a coffee today? On a tray or is this takeaway? That’s ten ninety five, take care how you drive, enjoy your meal, have a nice day.”

Both the above sentences are perfect limericks excepting for the layout. That is the secret of the limerick. It uses, not the Iambic rhythms of formal poetry, but the Anapestic rhythms of normal speech.

With that in mind, let’s look at the rhythm closely along with one of my own compositions. I do hope the ultra-fastidious have left by now!

dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH
dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH dih-dih-DAH

That SHIRT looks beCOMing on YOU
BeCOMing inDEED is the VIEW
But, IF, like your VEST
‘Twas I on your CHEST,
I’d CERtainly BE coming TOO!

That is the classic 34 syllable limerick. Of course sometimes it is necessary to add extra syllables especially at the end of a line. If you do, watch the rhymes. The “hanging syllable” should be a “dit” and should fit in with the rhyme scheme. This limerick (39 syllables) has a hanging final syllable on evey line. (The final line DOES scan, but with difficulty in the middle)

A problem the Good Book addRESSes
On workers it tries to impRESS’s
That serving two MASTers
Creates big diSASTers
‘Tis worse then to serve three mistRESS’s

(This was not re a menage d’quatre. They were thoughts about attempting to work on a night of three one act plays with three different directors – all female. All I wanted to do was to play with the lights!)

The same applies at the beginning of lines – sometimes an extra “dit” at the start is necessary. I try to work a “double dit” that can be slurred together.

Of course the main thing about a limerick is that it has a surprise at the end. The old “sting in the tail” which highlights a great short story. Sometimes this sting can be increased with a little creative rhyming. Creating new words just for the rhyme is outlawed by Bylaw 837a. Most limerickers ignore all the bylaws :)

No need to feel bad or have grief
Explaining, I’ll try to be brief
If you’re not put off
The next time we boff
I’d much rather be underneaf!

That is the end of the lesson. All you need now is some inspiration, a few ‘orrible “double ontongs” and a sense of the ludicrous. A dirty mind helps as well.

Good limericks always become anonymous in their oral transmission. Here is my favourite modern limerick. It was written by a very good American limericist. (Technically imperfect as a study of line five reveals)

While playing strip poker with Kate
I found I’d developed a straight
But only to six
And Katie restricts
Her folds to those with an eight!

So I tossed in my hand – – -

Ok, I’m off to try to put Britney into a limerick! In the meantime, the ultra fastidious can come out of hiding again.

Olde English Novels


I am busy writing a “Limerick How-to” for the reader who wanted to learn how to write limericks.. In doing some research, I stmbled across the following.

In my favourite Limerick Newsgroup we converse in limerick form. Tiddy Ogg is, I think, a Somerset man and, when not imbibing scrumpy, writes some of the most inventive poetry (and limericks) I have read. Back in 2000 he wrote a limerick which turned into a conversation.

Tiddy Ogg (in Feb, 2000) wrote:

Tom Hardy had ass well endowed
For making farts putrid and loud.
That’s why he’d be found,
Creating that sound,
So far from the madd(en)ing crowd.

Ærchie replied: Tom Hardy had a sort of contemporary – – – -

Dick Blackmore once played the bassoon
His farting, it kept him in tune
When told that his trills
Suited meadow and hills.
He left and played on Lawn an’ Down

Ærchie – Tiddy will know what I mean

“Kitten” asked:

Well can you fill me in Tiddy please?
(And that expression is only to tease)
What does he mean?
It’s clear to be seen
This Native must Return overseas

Tiddy replied

Old Arch, ‘neath Australia’s moon,
Oft sings a peculiar tune.
Though hard to perceive
His gist, I believe
He’s talking about “Lorna Doone.”

(Sorry, never read it.)

And Ærchie commented

Oh, Tiddy, go straight to the top.
To miss reading Lorna’s no blot.
This young Exmoor maid
Don’t even get laid;
(I was the class swot, read the lot!)

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