The Cracking of the Abbott Monolith


The Truth is finally catching up with Tony Abbott.

Those “inconsistencies”, those sudden U-turns in his aspirations, those “let’s not be pedantic about what I have said” moments.

As his lies statements have become less consistent, so his volume has increased.

Being denied the Prime Ministership which he was apparently promised by the owner of the Satanic Presses, Abbott has reverted to type. Bullying, blustering and being a complete twat!

His brand of conservatism would take Australia back to the 1950′s!

Because 100% of the media is now behind Abbott 100% of the time, including the media we pay 8c a day for, it is a credit to the Australian electorate that his coalition has only around 50% of the famous “Two Party Preferred”. in the polls. That there is still a large minority which can see through all the spin and hype is encouraging.

An Unworkable Leader

The difficulty the Liberal Party has is that Abbott is too successful. He was supposed to be a caretaker. Someone who could get the Liberal Party back into contention for the 2010 election. He almost made it.

Now, due entirely to over-the-top media support and some very clever tactics from the Liberal Headquarters in Menzies House, the conservatives are in an unbeatable position with an unworkable leader.

The golden rule of politics is that you stick with a winner and Tony Abbott is a winner. He is also a completely loose cannon and members of his own party are beginning to worry that his only ability is to lead in the polls. He is showing disturbing signs that he would be unable to lead a Government.

Now that an election is just 18 months away, we are beginning to see the first signs of a move within Liberal ranks to change from the three year Tony Abbott run election mode. A mode which, while successful, has also created some worrying tendencies within the electorate. Attitudes have hardened into vicious hatreds and the consequences will be terrifying.

Australians look to Norway and sanctimoniously say, “It couldn’t happen here!” The bad news is that we are closer to such an event than anyone other than ASIO will admit.

Even the heartless men of the Liberal Backrooms are beginning become concerned that they may have unleashed a demon they can no longer control. In an era of “Wedge Politics” they have wedged by their own creation. If Tony Abbott leads the Coalition to victory at the next election, he will not be able to be replaced! Once Julia Gillard was condemned for “assassinating” Kevin Rudd it became impossible for the Liberals to “assassinate” their leader once he became Prime Minister.

A cure must be found before the 2013 election!

This past week has seen a sudden public cracking of the heretofore monolithic face of the Liberal Party. Peter Costello has suddenly reappeared, vampirelike, from his political coffin and is being touted by some as a pre-election replacement for the current leader. How much of this is due to the appallingly incompetent performance of the Baillieu-led Victorian Liberal Government and how much to the growing Abbott-phobia in the Federal sphere is impossible to tell. The important fact is that Costello is a proven weakling in political stoushes and so he is more likely a symptom rather than a cure.

What is even more certain is that the divisions and machinations have been a closely guarded secret until now. That there are now rumours in the public domain are an indication that all is almost ready for the coup.

Looking for an alternative leader on the Coalition Front Bench is like looking for a Strawberry in a Blueberry Pie. Abbott has successfully destroyed the leadership hopes of an entire generation of Liberals. So the move by Costello may be telling us something important.

The next leader of the Liberal Party is yet to sit in the House of Representatives.

Heartless and faceless though the Backroom men may be, they also recognise the need, to quote Sir Humphrey Appleby from “Yes Minister”, for “Somebody Sound.” Somebody who is consistent and reliable. Somebody who can be trusted. Somebody they know.

Just such a man has recently been put in place by the Liberal hierarchy. From the office of the revered John Winston Howard a man has been found who is eminently “sound”.

Chief of Staff Arthur Sinodinos has been elevated to the Senate. From where he is unable to become the Leader of the Opposition. Yet, when the sky fails to fall on the Australian economy with the introduction of the Carbon Price in July, a leadership challenge in August could see the new Senator elevated in a John Gorton-like move of political brilliance.

With nearly a year and a half to the 2013 election, he will have plenty of time to become well known, to move to a House of Representatives seat and yet not enough time for his blandness to erode the huge Coalition lead in the polls.

Aliens and Australians


Always torn two ways with successive waves of migrants, Australia has absorbed millions of new arrivals.

A decade and a half ago  a change appeared in the Australian psyche.

In a society which had always prided itself on giving others a “Fair Go” a selfish, nasty streak appeared.

Opposition and a genuine hatred appeared, directed towards one group of potential immigrants.

Boat people.

Refugees fleeing war, murder and torture.

Demonised, they became the symbol for all that was evil. Australia was being over-run by hordes of foreigners. To read the press it seemed that millions were swamping our northern coast. The panic was such that the Howard Government excised parts of Australia so that these new arrivals could be held and “processed” away from the precious land of Australia. Just about all the northern offshore islands which are a part of Australia were placed in some sort of legal limbo so that concentration camps could be built out of sight and out of mind.

The subsequent Rudd Government and it’s Tony Abbott-led Opposition began a race to the ethical bottom by taking it in turns to announce tougher and tougher measures against boating refugees.

To be honest, they are jumping the queue. Australia takes around 14,000 refugees under several UN sponsored schemes. The 2-3000 boat people reduce that figure to 11,000. Just as a bye-the-bye, Australia is the only country accepting refugees which applies this condition. And the person at the end of the “legitimate” queue may not be chosen by Australia to become a potential refugee. There is no real queue!

Potential refugee is the correct term. Some 80% to 90% of asylum seekers who arrive by boat are granted refugee status because they are genuinely fleeing persecution. The figure for those arriving by plane is 40%.

The cost for all this boating xenophobia is set to be around a billion dollars over the next twelve months. Because we are terrified of the fact that 10% of those arrivals may not be genuine refugees. Around 1 billion dollars of taxpayer’s money to keep out three to four hundred people.

As you sit in your car next slow-moving rush hour, bumping over the potholes left from insufficient road-repair funding and listening to the racist rantings of your favourite shock-jock just consider that one billion dollars and the 400 dangerous people it is being spent on. Be honest. Wouldn’t you prefer a road in better condition? In a country where most employable workers are off making their fortune in the mines, those boat people could be the ones to work on it.

The Roman poet, Publius Terentius Afer better known in English as Terence, (195/185 – 159BC) wrote “Nihil humanum a me alienum puto.”: ‘Nothing human is alien to me.’

The modern Australian seems to think the opposite. “

“No alien is human to me!”

Figures garnered from original articles in the Sydney Morning Herald and the Herald Sun

101 Uses For a John Howard # The You Tube Experience


While the loss of John Howard as Prime Dictator has been of instant benefit to Australia (if you don’t count the truth about the economy coming out) this blogger has been feeling a little lost.

No new Kudelka cartoons to pinch. Although there are a few new ones on his eponymous blog. (I have been wanting to use that word for some time!)

But there was one I missed.

And with our inglorious ex-leader spouting a whole lot of pandering rubbish to America’s extreme Right, a reminder  of times past is in order.

A compendium of all the 101 Uses, in just 33 seconds!

I don’t know if there are any copies left, but the book of the same name was one of my best buys for 2007!

101 Uses For A John Howard #101; Man of Steel


And so the Jon Kudelka saga ends. On election day 2007.

With a glance at the least publicised but possibly most pervading of John Howard’s pieces of dictatorshiplegislation.

The updated Sedition Laws.

Under which it would be possible to jail any leader of the opposition for trying to undermine the authority of the Prime Minister. Or even a Treasurer who plans to do the same thing.

As for voting against the sitting Prime Minister – - -

Well, he cant jail us all.

Can he?

 

Look, we’ve been awake for the past 72 hours having a bit of a read of the Anti-Terrorism Act, especially the bits about sedition, and we’d like you all to disregard the previous 100 Uses, forget you ever saw them, clear the cache, remove the hard drive and set it on fire and if you’re feeling especially patriotic and/or a bit peckish, eat the remains.We would like to vigorously refute any suggestion that he is in any way an evil Dark Overlord, obese simian, member of the order rodentia, one of the undead, seafood of dubious freshness or fruit of any description.

We would also like to especially resile from the complete misunderstanding that he might resemble a floating turd, be a receptacle for urine or is in any other way involved in the disposal of human waste. In fact, we would even like to say that in all likelihood he doesn’t even go to the toilet.

John Howard? Fantastic fellow. The great thinker and orator George W. Bush, President of our infallible ally the United States of America and Leader of the Free World once referred to him as the Man of Steel, relating equally to his Übermensch status as to his undisputed sexual prowess.

Whether it’s rescuing a cat from a tree, saving a drowning kiddy from the ocean or simply battling the overwhelming forces of Terror with his extraordinary magnetic powers, John Howard is the greatest ever Australian, living or dead, including Don Bradman, and our dearest hope is that his reign as Prime Minister of this Lucky Country can somehow be made permanent.

…can I go home now?

Thank you Jon, for the privilege of reposting this cartoon series. It has been a fun time and thoroughly enjoyable. I look forward to your 101 Uses for a Kevin Rudd.

101 Uses For A John Howard #100


Alas, once again the fuzzy little ewoks are in terrible danger.

Kudelka has written the script for Star Wars Episode 7!

 


Sure, a clone army of Cultural Stormtroopers is nice to have, but no Dark Lord of the Sith is complete without an invincible space station with which to destroy entire planets in a peremptory fashion. John W. Vader took delivery of his fully operational Death Senate after the 2004 election.Sadly, “fully operational” is never quite the case with your average Death Star. They never work properly and they’re always back in the shop. A particular problem with this one was a persistent squeak in the Barnaby Joyce, which is impossible to get parts for.

Nonetheless, it’s a good life being a Dark Imperial Overlord with the power to choke recalcitrant minions with a mere wiggle of the fingers. The black outfit, while not as comfy as the tracksuit, lends a certain gravitas and also makes you impossible to dack.
Until now, it’s been a bit of a doddle. Recent opponent, Kim Jabba the Beazley didn’t move very fast and nobody could understand what he was saying without subtitles. Chewbacca Latham howled a lot but ended up making a monkey of himself and that other chap Jar Jar Crean was quickly relegated to a non-speaking role for obvious reasons.

However, there’s a New Hope on the horizon. A young hero Kev Skywalker has appeared out of nowhere with a tousled mop of blonde hair. There’s also that Princess Gillard with the weird hairdo, but apparently her boyfriend’s a hairdresser.

Anyway, Darth Howard’s still got one ace up his sleeve. At the appropriate moment, he will reveal his terrible secret, Kevin… I am your father.

…which pretty much explains everything.

101 Uses For A John Howard #99; Pot


With just two days before we have to run the gauntlet of the queue of well meaning electoral assistants outside our voting station of choice, Kudelka, Australia’s best Howard caricaturist, has delved back into the past.

With a Prime Minister who keeps emphasising what has happened in the past this seems appropriate. Although the Battle of Troy may be a little further back than even Mr Howard is willing to go.

 

Legend has it that the great warrior Achilles was dipped by his mother, Thetis, into the river Styx when he was a baby. This led to him becoming invulnerable everywhere except for his heel where she was holding onto him, leading to his eventual downfall involving years of expensive physiotherapy.

As politicians are generally at least 99% heel, this form of invulnerability has been somewhat ineffective for them.

Polytetrafluoroethylene, or teflon to the layperson, is used extensively to coat cookware with the process now being adapted to become the political equivalent of a christening in Stygian waters.

At some point in his political career, possibly at the same time he had his teeth capped, John was dipped into a large vat of the stuff, giving him a slippery, invulnerable, non-stick coating and as he was held by the eyebrows during the process, there’s been none of that Achilles Heel mucking about.

Sadly, even the best non-stick coating starts to get a bit manky after constant and prolonged use and we all know, once it starts to go, everything starts to stick.

Once-devastating bon mots pertaining to the blackness of the kettle on the opposite bench become muffled by the sheer weight of crud welded to the previously pristine surface.The only thing that will get it clean is an overnight soak in boiling water followed by a vigorous scrubbing with a metal scourer, which is fine when you’re doing it for fun, but a bit of a drag in the daily grind of an election campaign.

101 Uses For A John Howard #98; Chicken Little


The last few days of the Election Campaign to End All Election Campaigns are driving our Home Theatre sound systems to complete distraction.

The John Howard doomsaying, as caught by Kudelka, Liberal hysteria about Unions and decades-old Interest Rates are all wall to wall on every TV and radio channel.

It may even have infected the print media. Not that anyone buys that any more – - -
The Labor warnings are so much quieter. Just “Beeps” as if they are Temptation contestants.

Perhaps this will set a new standard in Election Advertising.

Quiet wins Votes!


The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The skyyyy is faaaaalliiiiiinnnng! Seriously! I really mean it this time!

The world would be a dangerous place without fear. For example, just imagine the terrifying carnage on the roads without all those terrifying road safety ads showing us all the carnage on the roads. Or those “wombats next 5km” signs. Just imagine if you weren’t warned about all those bloody wombats. Shambles is the only word to describe it.

John “Chicken Little” Howard’s key goal as Prime Minister has been to keep us as relaxed, comfortable and scared shitless. While some might see a contradiction in the above strategy, that’s only because their senses have been dulled by their excessive latte intake.

Originally struck on the head by a spanner while pecking around a poorly maintained building site, John became convinced that the sky was falling due to an evil plot perpetrated by the union bosses of the Builders Labourers Federation and subsequently uncovered links to an evil cabal including the ACTU, boat people, the unemployed. single mothers, homosexuals, and of course, terrorists.

Some latte-addled members of the so-called elites even go so far to suggest that John is more “boy who cried wolf” than diminutive chicken, but that slanderous untruth is belied by Joe Hockey who recently pointed out that Liberal fear campaigns are based on fact whereas the Labor fear campaigns are complete fabrications, which should be bloody terrifying.

…with any luck.

101 Uses For A John Howard #97; Dodgy Oyster


I don’t know about anyone else, but I rather object to cutting down trees, which most people think are good, to turn them into wood pulp, which even the customers don’t like. It is necessary to pay bribes discount the price to the customers so that they will buy the stuff.

Jon Kudelka has taken a wider view of the situation and decided there is an up-side. Those society matrons with their blue rinses in Bennalong who like a dozen on the shell, can play Russian Roulette with their designer luncheons.

 

Picture yourself washing down a fresh Tasmanian oyster with a crisp white wine while you watch the sun set over the beautiful rolling hills of a Tamar Valley winery.

Boring huh?

Luckily, Tasmanian tourism is going to receive an overdue injection of adrenaline in the near future. Instead of endless tracts of pristine this and untouched that, you’ll be able to watch it all get chopped down and turned into pulp.

THRILL to the logtruck derby where the only thing on the road more endangered than you is the native wildlife! GASP at the spectacular stench of fugitive mill emissions! RETCH as you tuck into a dioxin-laced oyster! The days when the most exciting thing about a Tasmanian holiday was wondering when the rain will stop are long gone.

Humble fellow that he is, John can really only take credit for the pollution of Bass Strait as he left the approval for pulping the rest of Tasmania up to the state government where the only thing dodgier than the approvals process will be the local fisherman’s basket once the effluent starts flowing. No Save The Franklin fiascos for John – look at what a missed waterskiing opportunity that turned out to be.

So, next time you’re about to tuck into a slippery Bass Strait oyster with a slightly dodgy look about it, think of John Howard. It’s not really that much of a stretch.

101 Uses For A John Howard #96; Grapefruit


Kudelka is reaching into the fruit bowl for this one.

There is not a lot more to be said about this use for our Glorious Leader.

Except that there is no way he would be a pink grapefruit!

 


It says something about the state of politics in Australia that the most telling political speech in 2007 would need subtitles (preferably with some exciting Kung Fu action as well) to be understood by 99% of Australians.

Yep, fresh, sweet and juicy Kevin Rudd’s short blast of Mandarin at APEC had John looking like the last grapefruit in the bowl.

Let’s be clear about this, nobody likes grapefruit. The only reason anyone ever eats grapefruit is if they don’t, they will die of a heart attack, and even then it’s not a done deal.

Sure, the grapefruit could go on and on and on about how its record of sound cholesterol management has kept your blood pressure at historically low rates, but no matter how much sugar you pour over it, you’re still tucking into a miserable bloody grapefruit which will squirt citric acid straight into your eye the moment you stick your spoon in.

In a contest between a mandarin and a grapefruit, the only thing the grapefruit’s really got going for it is it’s extraordinarily tough rind and the fact that they last forever (mainly because no bugger will eat one) but as long as the mandarin avoids getting into any bruising encounters it’s looking pretty good.

101 Uses For A John Howard #95; Dog Walker


Seven days to go before we finally get a chance to have our say on the future of Australia. Seven days before we put the longest election campaign in  history to bed.

In the meantime, Kudelka has found the answer to the question.

Who let the dogs out?

Back in 1998, Australians got an early glimpse of John’s grand vision for a happier and more harmonious workplace on the docks of Australia. Not only did the lure of lower pay and fewer conditions for all beckon invitingly, the new regime also promised full employment for big angry dogs. Sadly, big angry dogs and the associated hired goon and balaclava and baton manufacturing industries failed to achieve their potential in the ensuing years.With the introduction of WorkChoices, a system I’m sure the electorate would have voted for if John had had the time to mention it during the last election campaign, an opportunity for a resurgence in large dog employment has arisen.

The average worker currently possesses an enormous tactical advantage in current AWA negotiations, with employers armed only with greater financial and administrative resources and the ability to sack the employee without recourse.
Legislation is in the works to have a large angry dog to be present at all workplace negotiations, with the employee given a large rare steak with which to defend themselves in the interests of fairness. AWA negotiations are sure to proceed extremely smoothly, with any associated emergency surgery or rabies shots to be provided by the employer in exchange for a few public holidays and the right to go to the toilet during office hours.

For this bold vision to work, Australia’s large angry dogs will need to be maintained at peak fitness at all times. The key is John Howard and his tracksuit. Dogs could be trained to obey only the wearer of the tracksuit while being walked to the point of exhaustion by the great man. The tracksuit would become the business suit of the new regime, with it being a sackable offence to wear the tracksuit when not in possession of an ABN.

101 Uses For A John Howard #94; Tugboat


Just eight days to go before we see if the polls are accurate.

If John Howard is to become an OAP.

Actually, he has looked all at sea during this campaign and jon kudelka has caught that feeling exactly in this wonderful caricature. Except he looks botoxed here. He has been looking quite wrinkled and elderly over the past couple of weeks.

Don’t forget you can get all of these 101 uses for a demented Prime Minister in one convenient volume for just $20 plus postage.

 

 

 


All this talk of preambles to the Constitution takes me back to the heady days of 1999 when the Battlers of Australia voted against elitism by retaining the, er… British Monarchy. It’s no secret that Little Johnny’s a big fan of HRH and it is one of the great cruelties of male pattern baldness that as a loyal Monarchist, while he is certainly tugging away at something, he is entirely devoid of any forelock with which to make the traditional obeisance.

Fortunately, the solution is clear. Johnny was one of the unsung heroes of ‘99, obfuscating, complicating, bamboozling and befuddling the Elitist Army to snatch victory for queen and country. While he may lack a forelock of his own, he made up for it by tugging everybody else’s forelock for them.

The forelock-tugging power of one John Howard is approximately equal to that of 10000 Egyptian slaves (now those were the days) during the construction of the pyramids. It has been calculated that John Howard equipped with a cable fashioned from human forelocks and a quick burst of Rule, Brittania! would have been enough to get the Pasha Bulker off Nobbys Beach at Newcastle before they even got to the bit about how Britons will never be slaves.

Whilst Johnny Tugboat could enjoy a productive retirement towing refugee terrorist boat people back to the end of the queue where they belong, a more ambitious plan presents itself.

While elitists are self-evidently wrong about everything, they are slightly correct in pointing out that the Queen of Australia resides at the opposite end of the planet. Now, give John a map, a really strong cable woven from the forelocks of all true Australian British subjects and a rousing chorus of God Save the Queen and he’ll have us towed into the Atlantic, just to the west of Ireland before you could say off with his head.

101 Uses For A John Howard #93;


Charlie Drake started it 50 years ago. Skiffling.

Now Kudelka has closed the circle, Howarding.

This Boomerang keeps on coming back. Hitting us in the head!

 

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

John Howard.

Sure, when it comes to pretty much any topic, a sudden reversal of direction wouldn’t cause a single eyelid to bat, but on the subject of indigenous reconciliation, you’d have to say that until quite recently, John Howard had all the direction-changing power of a well-flung stick. Practical reconciliation was all the rage, which mainly involved sending the tanks into the Northern Territory without so much as a by-your-leave, presumably on the grounds that it worked so well in Iraq.

But out of the gathering darkness, there’s a whirring in the sky as Johnny’s made a screaming U-turn, spinning like mad and promising to hold a referendum to have a Statement of Reconciliation incorporated into a preamble to the Constitution.

Now anyone who has attempted any sort of amble through Australia’s Constitution will tell you that a more pleasant stroll could possibly be had through an unmarked minefield inside a quicksand swamp infested by hungry crocodiles on a moonless night, and the smartest type of preamble would best involve ambling as quickly as possible in the opposite direction.

A simple apology would seem a more practical first step, but apparently that’s where is all gets a bit complicated. For what it’s worth, we’re sorry we asked.

Election Thought of the Day


This is based on a reader’s comment I found while browsing through Kudelka’s wonderful “101 Uses for a John Howard.”

I was worried about the 70% of trade union folk “running government” when Labor are voted into office. Well, I mean, we already have, in our Coalition Government;

A failed priest running health.

A medical doctor running the defence portfolio.

A less than perfect banker running the environment.

A Foreign Minister who wears fishnet stockings.

And to top it off a surburban Solicitor as PM!

Is there something that I am missing in all of this??

101 Uses For A John Howard #92; Elect Vessel


Here we are, just ten days from the election that will change a nation and Kudelka is drawing down Heavenly Wrath.

Just who will it strike?

Now that the economic indicators are confirming that this is indeed a poisoned chalice for the winner, who would YOU want to win?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but for a sect of religious homophobes, the Exclusive Brethren have what could only be described as an extremely gay name, evoking images of rugby change-room frolics, dressing up in women’s clothing and free entry to the best gay nightclubs.

Fortunately, we at 101 Uses For A John Howard have an extremely open-minded outlook, and understand that it’s hard enough being a member of an extremist cult without having to deal with the problems inherent in coming out of the closet.

The Exclusive Brethren shun contact with the outside world, extending to refusing to vote on the grounds that this interferes with God’s right to ordain who rules. Those who think that the Exclusive Brethren should probably sit down and have a bit of a read of the Electoral Act will of course burn in Hellfire for all eternity.

Now you’d think that this would spell the end of the Brethren’s involvement in political affairs. Unfortunately, they’ve recently had word that Satan has infiltrated democracy and they’ve decided that rather than expose themselves to the moral quagmire that is writing numbers on a piece of paper in a cardboard booth once every three years, they will enter the spiritually pure universe of political campaigning.

Luckily for John Howard, God’s given him the nod to be if not the Elect Vessel, at least the Elected Vessel of Australia’s Satan-raddled democracy. While the Vessel itself may indeed strongly resemble and smell like a urine sample jar, God assures us that He is in no way taking the piss, and that he has booked us an Exclusive Booth in the deepest pit of Hell with a great view of the lava lake for suggesting otherwise all the way back in Use Number 1.

101 Uses For A John Howard #90; Sanctions Resistant Wheat


If you have enjoyed these cartoons from Australia’s leading John Howard carictaturist, Jon Kudelka, the book of the series is now available.

 

As seen on the ABC’s Insiders on Sunday morning.

 

For just $20 plus postage.

 

I’ve got my name down for a copy.

 

 

 

We Australians love our wheat. Without wheat there would be no breakfast of champions, without wheat there would be no bread to wrap your sausage in at a barbecue, without wheat there would be no Australian Wheat Board.

The trouble with wheat is its vulnerability to various environmental factors. Australian Scientists have led the world on making wheat drought resistant, rust resistant, pest resistant and frost resistant, but their greatest recent breakthrough has been in creating a sanction resistant strain.

Created by splicing in a significant portion of John Howard’s genetic material, sanction resistant wheat is impervious to most forms of debilitating UN economic sanction, allowing a greatly increased yield of export dollars with minimal ethical input.

Sanction resistant wheat has also been found to be completely sound resistant when placed discreetly in the ears and the husks can be processed to create totally ink-resistant paper, which is perfect for certain parliamentary office memos. It also makes an extremely sturdy brown paper bag.

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