The Twins


onceupunatimegreenA couple in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, “We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of allegiance”.

His wife said, “Are you nuts? You can’t have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are going to name them regular girl’s names like Mary or Jane”.

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn’t tell them apart. Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took an interest in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry one of them, or both if he could get away with it, but he wasn’t sure which one he would marry, if he could only get one.He went to the girls father and explained his quandary.

“I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can’t tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you”.

“Give me Liberty or give me Beth”

Barber


Abe Cohen was a very successful barber whose tonsorial shop happened to be located next store to a bowling alley.

Cohen became enamoured with the sport and was determined to get his score over 200 so he began spending more time bowling than barbering.

He had started a game with 6 consecutive strikes one afternoon when the political boss of the county tracked him down and demanded an immediate shave.

Cohen indignantly pushed him aside, declaring firmly, “A bowling Cohen lathers no boss.”

Stand-Up Comic


A young man walked onto the stage of Australian Idol, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Grant Denyer introduced him as Simon.

‘It’s very brave of you to come out here,’ said Grant. ‘Please tell the audience what happened?

‘Well’ replied Simon, ‘about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.’

”That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?’ asked Grant.

‘No Grant, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupted from the audience and Grant responded with; ‘That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?”

‘Tonight, Grant, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle.’

Gleefully burgled from Phil

All That Glitters


The wild and wooly west was replete with adventure and potential riches. Magical artifacts were reputed to be abundant and highly sought after. One little town, La Poema, near the Superstition Mountains became famous for a particular enchanted pebble that they made available for viewing in the public library.

The locals particularly appreciated the sight of strangers touching the stone and helplessly bursting into verse. For example, a hardtack miner spouted, “Dagnabit, this mangy rabbit, has a bad habit…” before he was able to pull his hand away. An elderly spinster was heard to say, “While playing scrabble, with the local rabble, who like to gabble, I’d like to dabble…”, and then she jerked her hand back before getting even more in trouble. A child with consumption touched the pebble and complained, “Ruin and wrack, spew and hack. Alas, alack. True health I lack, I’m going back, to…” before he was dragged away.

One cowhand observer knew better than to touch the stone. However, his curiosity made him ask the locals, “What is that pebble that makes these people spout all those words that sound so much alike?”

The only possible answer came back, “It’s a rhyme stone, cowboy!”

Perils of Golf


An athletic priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to take his second shot, when he heard the familiar, ”Fore!” and felt a ball hit his back.

The golfer who had hit the drive was quickly at the priest’s side, apologizing profusely. But the priest assured him he was not hurt.

”Thank goodness, Father!” the man exclaimed. ”I’ve been playing this game for 40 years and I can finally tell my friends I’ve hit my first holy one.”

Enough, Already!


When the King of Kale first took his young son out to view their great expanse of vegetables and herbs, the lad was impressed and strode on in awe through the fields that soon would be his own vast ptomaine.
On his father’s return to the castle, the queen asked, “Where is our son?” To which the king replied proudly, “I have left my food-prince in the stand of thyme”.

Last summer, frozen-food companies had trouble finding high-quality vegetables for processing because of the dry weather. As a result, many were culled but few were frozen.

It has just come to light that some residents who live near the Indianapolis Speedway, home of the Indy 500 auto race, plan to file suit over foul-smelling exhaust fumes from the track. They are seeking damages for Indy scent exposure.

Most people know the legend of William Tell, but few realise that he and his family were championship bowlers whose team was sponsored by local merchants. Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost and today we can’t be sure for whom the Tells bowl.

A Frozen Tale


Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day Scrooge.

One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip, if he crossed over the lake.

He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon.

The Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, “I’ll be danged if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!”

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