Pirates – It’s Nearly Here


A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!” The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gooin to have to pee in the boat.”


Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ”Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ”Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ”If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ”Get me my brown pants.”


A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate’s peg leg, eye patch and hook. “So tell me,” asks the sailor, “how did you come to lose that leg?”  “Arrgh,” says the pirate, “‘Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I’ve had this peg leg ever since.” “Wow!” says the sailor. “And how’d you get the hook?” “We was fighting at close quarters,” says the pirate. “Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I’ve had this hook ever since.” “Amazing!” says the sailor. “And what about the eye patch?” “Arrgh,” says the pirate. “‘Twas a seagull pooped in me eye.” “A seagull?” asks the sailor, a bit incredulous. “Well, I should explain,” says the pirate. “‘Twas me first day with the new hook.”

3 Responses

  1. The middle one cracked me up.

  2. “‘Twas me first day with the new hook.” – loved it!

  3. That was my favourite too, Kym … much more believable! LOL

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