Rules for Stray Cats

I was reminded of this gem when I read of Cats that Look Like Hitler on both azahar’s  and Wandering Coyote’s  blogs.

I found it a number of years ago. Someone must have written it but that information never made it to my inbox.

Stray cats will not be fed.

• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food tossed on the ground, outside.
• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk in a spare margarine container.
• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
• Stray cats will not try to make the house cats jealous when they are eating THEIR food!

Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence and will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled.

• Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
• Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
• Stray cats will not have special toys bought for them so that they will be tempted to come closer.
• Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
• Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times, maybe holidays.
• Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y.”
• Stray cats will not beat up the house cats when they come inside the house on days ending in “Y.”

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

• Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sharpen their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
• Stray cats will not climb up the insides of people’s pants legs, clinging to the thermal underwear, when they are sharpening their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

• Stray cats will sleep outside unless it’s raining.
• Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
• Stray cats will sleep in the house but not in the bedroom.
• Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket in a corner of the bedroom.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to curl up on our pillows, tickle one ear with their tail, and purr in the other ear all night.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers unless we’re cold.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
• Stray cats sleeping under the covers at the foot of the bed will not be allowed to chew on our feet.
• Stray cats that have a habit of chewing toes when they sleep under the covers at the foot of the bed will find that we’ve taken to wearing our slippers to bed.

Stray cats will be neutered as soon as possible.

• Stray cats that are already pregnant will sleep in a specially prepared box.
• Stray cats that are already pregnant and searching for a place to have their babies will be given a safe place to have them, comfortably lined with an old blanket or towels.
• Stray cats that are already pregnant and searching for a place to have their babies will not be allowed in closets, drawers, cupboards or spare rooms.
• Stray cats that have their babies in the closet in our bedroom will not be allowed to pull our clothes from the hangers.
• Stray cats that have their babies on our best evening gown will have to live with that on their conscience forever! We will have to live with the $90 cleaning bill.

Stray cats will not play with our feet when we’re sitting at the desk. It makes it hard to concentrate.

• Stray cats will not play on the desk.
• Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
  Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is ‘;lkjijn  huhgtgv  ffdsa  trying to use it!